BowelBabe Deborah James has admitted that she “doesn’t want to die” and is struggling to accept that she hasn’t got long left.
The journalist said in her column in The Sun that it’s all just a waiting game and she has turned into a “real b***h”.
She wrote: “I don’t really believe that it’s happening. It all feels like a horrible joke. Watching the demise of my body is really, really sad.
“Dying is really hard. I’ve been consumed by anger this week, in all honesty, I’ve been a real b***h. I keep shouting at people and pushing them away. I’m angry at what’s happening to me. I don’t want to die.
“I don’t want my friends to see me like this. I don’t want them to remember me this way.”
Deborah has been celebrating the platinum jubilee this week with friends and family and while she admits it’s all a lot of fun, it’s hard for when she remembers how little time she has left.
Her diagnosis, she says, has given her a new perspective on death and she now hopes that speaking openly about it will help to end the taboo around it.
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She added that her devotion of raising money for charity in her final weeks has brought her a sense of purpose and ensured her that her family is always with her during the end of her journey.
Admitting that her illness is weighing heavily on her family, she said she hates that her children are seeing her at her “worst”.
Diagnosed back in 2016, the 40-year-old took to Instagram to inform her followers that she has been moved to “hospice at home care” and that “nobody knows how long [she’s] got left]”.
Writing in a lengthy post, the presenter and campaigner began by saying: “The message I never wanted to write.
“We have tried everything, but my body simply isn’t playing ball. My active care has stopped and I am now moved to hospice at home care, with my incredible family all around me and the focus is on making sure I’m not in pain and spending time with them.”
James went on to detail how she is no longer able to walk and spends most days sleeping, remarking that the last six months have been less than kind but that she is surrounded by love as she looks to see out her final days.