Students banned from jumping with their Leaving Cert results

Leaving Cert results are out!

It's a very exciting day for everyone involved, so naturally, I am here to ruin it. From today, I am campaigning to bring a new law into effect that prevents students from jumping with their Leaving Cert results for a photograph. I, among others, have taken against this token 'jumping with excitement' photo call that occurs every Leaving Cert results day. It is excessive, unnecessary and frankly, makes the participants look like fools. A number of problems are likely to arise with this ambitious idea:

1. Somebody will have an ill-timed jump and still be on the ground at the time of the photograph being taken, hence being eternally branded as a gobshite.
2. Witch hunters will be confused and think that they are actually flying, potentially resulting in innocent people being burned at the stake.
3. Someone could put their back out.
4. An unexpected gust of wind could snatch the paper out of the student's hand, rendering them useless without proof their results.

Not to be a total killjoy, I've put together a list of scenarios during which it's acceptable to jump with your Leaving Cert results. These are the only situations I will permit jumping in such a ridiculous manner.

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You stumble onto some hot coals   You find yourself upon a bed of nails   You're at a recreational skipping event   You happen upon a very large and intimidating puddle   You find yourself barefoot on a floor with many plugs on it   You are out at sea and spot a shark nearby in the water   To reiterate, the above scenarios are the only situations during which it is acceptable to jump in the air with such ecstasy upon receiving your Leaving Certificate results. Please keep an eye out for my petition circling the internet to ban these photographs entirely.