Hey huns,
Absolutely chuffed to be taking part in Her.ie’s diary entry series, I’m a big fan of the site and couldn’t believe my luck when they asked me to get involved.
Christ, what a 24 hours it’s been! I’m exhausted with all the messing. People need to take a breather, seriously.
I innocently posted an old photo of myself in the nip on Twitter – is that a crime? Not yet, no. It was tastefully censored. I have a JobBridge intern helping me out with a few admin bits at the moment and he was only delighted to help me out with tidying it up, you can even see him in the corner of the photo if you look closely! It was actually his suggestion to add ‘LOL’ at the end of the caption. Apparently it stands for ‘Loss Of Lingerie’. So funny!
It was extremely uncute to see a lot of people making fun of me on Twitter after I posted the picture. Lads, I’m fond of a photo, get over it. I expected it from Piers Morgan because he’s scum. But Bette Midler and Chloe Something-Something? They’ve got a nerve! My challenge was clear. I needed to take them down with some extremely sick burns, so that’s precisely what I did. I assure you, Her.ie haven’t paid me anything glamorous to share my social media strategy, but I’ll let you in on the process:
I got a team of 18 people together and we brainstormed to the best of our God-given ability. The team’s ideas were all garbage, so I fired them and came up with all of the sick burns myself. Bette Midler is kind of old so I made a dig about how she should already be in bed – BRILLIANT, I know. I also suggested that she send ME some nudes – HILARIOUS, I know. Then, here’s the best part, I waited almost 12 hours to send the reply. Really kept her waiting, she must’ve been so anxious!
That Chloe girl only has 2 million followers on Twitter (what a loser), so I tweeted that she’s only just joined Twitter – GENIUS, I know. I also complimented one of her magazine covers and then called her ‘boo’ because that is what ghosts say and they are very scary. She should be scared of me because I have PLENTY more sick burns where those came from. Silly billy.
Truth be told, I don’t know where to go from here. You can only break the internet so many times before it starts to become a bit boring. Kanye and I are forever sitting down and trying to work out how we can make bigger eejits of ourselves online and honestly, I think we’ve peaked. What’s left? Put yourself in my lavishly expensive shoes for a minute. What would you do? Use this platform to raise awareness about serious issues such as women’s rights, gender inequality, third world poverty? Get real. Here’s an exclusive sneak peek at my latest internet-breaking movement:
That’s right, I’m going to start sharing internal selfies! Everyone’s already seen every crevice of my naked body at this point, so it’s time I go deeper. I’ve booked an appointment at the hospital for next week to get everything scanned. I’ll get the JobBridge intern to give me a hand covering up the “saucy” areas again and then they’ll be ripe for sharing. Can’t wait to break the internet AGAIN. I’m a divil.
Ok, gotta run, Kanye’s just shouted down that he’s ready to get out of the bath!
I’ll catch you again,
Kim x
P.S. Remember the time I cropped my own daughter out of a selfie? GAS.
