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12th Jan 2020

Gwyneth Paltrow’s candle that smells like her vagina has sold out and I don’t want to live in this Godforsaken world anymore

Keep it.

In a not so shocking twist of events, Gwyneth Paltrow has created a candle that allegedly smells just like her vagina – if her vagina smelled like Damask rose and ambrette seed, that is.

The product – which is really for sale and has really sold out – costs $75.00, meaning that unfortunately the scent of Paltrow’s genitals is reserved only for those of us lucky enough to boast deliciously large bank accounts.

… Or stupid enough to drop that much cash on a candle.

Currently out of stock over on the Goop website, the candle’s product description goes a little something like this: 

“With a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent, this candle is made with geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed to put us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.”


And while the above scent does actually sound like it would be at least mildly pleasant (who among us doesn’t love sexy smelling wax?), there is simply no way that it smells like a vagina.

Or at least, it doesn’t smell like a healthy and normal vagina that hasn’t been unnecessarily douched with perfume or steamed beyond recognition.

Either way, the product has sold out, meaning that people bought it, meaning that Paltrow’s quest in becoming a misguided sexual health guru is only becoming terrifyingly more realistic with each cruel day that passes.

God truly has abandoned us.

Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple is just 14 and is now taller than her

This comes after the trailer dropped for Paltrow’s new docu-series about her lifestyle brand, Goop.

the goop lab is a six part series detailing a collection of “boundary pushing” wellness areas including energy healing, psychedelics, female pleasure, and anti-ageing.

You know, all that stuff that definitely exists and/or can be aided by sticking a Jade egg far up inside your body. Cool.

The series will be streaming on Netflix from January 24, if you’re anyway that inclined.

But if not, you can simply watch anything else.