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29th Sep 2018

The symptoms to look out for if you think you might have chronic bitch syndrome

If caught early enough, it is fully treatable.

Chronic Bitch Syndrome (CBS) is said to affect one in every twelve women.

It takes many different forms, which makes it quite a difficult affliction to diagnose. If caught early enough, it is fully treatable and very easy to get under control.

I had a touch of it in my late teens and am lucky to have come out the other side. My experience makes me fully qualified to detail the most obvious signs of CBS, along with the proven effective methods of treatment.

Here are 6 key symptoms you need to be wary of if you’re concerned that you or a loved one is suffering from CBS.

1. You insult people for no reason whatsoever


Aw, your best friend Claire’s gotten her hair cut. It’s quite a drastic change from her usual look, but she’ll definitely grow into it. Oh, what’s this? Hurtful words are coming out of your mouth and you just can’t seem to help it. “Wow, it’s definitely different Claire. Did you bring the hairdresser a photograph of a mushroom or did she just do it from memory?” Nice one Nora, you are a chronic bitch, my friend.


2. You help yourself to things that aren’t yours


Your new roommate invited you to do the weekly shop with her, but you didn’t have time because you were getting a Shellac done that day. Rather than doing a shop in your own time, you’ve knowingly decided that you’ve enough bits knocking around the press (along with your roommate’s haul) to keep you going. For a week solid you help yourself to her bits, denying every crumb. “Must’ve been John, he’s a divil for a Hobnob.”


3. You have truly mastered the art of the death stare


Regardless of the situation, you’re committed to staring some young wan out of it. There’s no real logic to your actions and it’s not necessarily a conscious decision, but you’ve almost made peace with your lifestyle. Particularly on nights out, you’ll find yourself glaring in disgust at a fellow good-time-haver so intensely that they or a friend of theirs notices and confronts your behaviour. “What are you on about?”, you’ll retort.


4. You send passive aggressive text messages


When a friend texts with good news, your immediate instinct is to tear them down and belittle their achievements. Oh, Sarah’s got a new job. Brilliant. Better poke a few holes in her good news so. Oh, it’s only part time? That’s not really the area you want to get into though is it? Also the company hasn’t a great reputation? Still though, it’s good for you Saz. Well done hun x


5. You leave mean comments on the internet


You blatantly ignore the common knowledge that everyone’s taste in content is entirely subjective and decide that your vitally important and eternally askew opinions must be known by all. Look at that, a glaringly obvious piece of satirical writing that appears to go over your delicate little mind, better insult the writer, their family and household appliances for fear that your lack of any real sense of humour is exposed.


Should you find that you’re experiencing any of the above symptoms, it’s advisable that you consult your GP with regards to what might be the best course of action for you. Typically, a kick up the backside will suffice, but all cases are different.