Insurance, am I right?
Loads of important things can be insured, but what the smaller things that really matter? It’s not fair and frankly, I’m dangerously close to starting another petition.
Here’s what I feel should have insurability.
Bronzer
They say the first cut is the deepest, but the second can be just as deep. Nothing breaks your heart as intensely as a recently purchased bronzer falling face-first onto the bathroom tiles. No amount of prayers to St. Anthony can change the outcome – it’s in smithereens.
Sunglasses
It’s a known fact that butts are sunglasses magnets. No matter how much you spend on a pair of sunglasses, they all end up with the same fate: being crushed by your derrière. Insurance would alleviate the pressure of minding your sunnies, giving you peace of mind to worry about other things like your impending mortality.
Shellac
Literally what is the point in spending upwards of €20 on your nails when they’re going to chip the minute you put the key in the car door. It’s a racket! Please insurance companies, hear our cries. If you can insure a life, why can’t you insure a shellac?
Hair Clips
Those little jerks are as slippery as butter. Where do they all disappear to? At least twice a year I buy an entire packet of clips and they evaporate into thin air almost instantly. They should be traded on the New York Stock Exchange.
Headphones
Essentially disposable, headphones need to cop on and give us a bit of longevity. Music is an essential part of life, why can’t headphones just be sound and play ball. Stop breaking. Please. You’re tearing this family apart.
Cups Of Tea
How many times a day do you make a cup of tea, set it aside to cool and forget about it entirely? For me, this happens upwards of twelve times and I am livid. Insurance terms would stipulate that you are entitled to a fresh cup of tea when the initial one goes cold. What a time to be alive.
A Mother’s Heart
On record, I have broken my mother’s heart upwards of 35,000 times. From going out without a coat, to forgetting to bring in the washing, that heart is well and truly banjaxed. Let’s insure our Mams hearts so they can be instantly mended when they’re broken.
