Supermarkets are an intense experience.
Nobody has ever intended on spending longer than 10 minutes in a supermarket, but things happen. You bump into an old colleague, the trolley has a wobbly wheel, there are multiple free samples on display, you get caught trying to put the ground almonds on the floor where they belong, etc.
Many emotions are experienced during a food shop, but for today, I will be mainly focusing on the standard range of emotions that the human mind encounters when there are free samples knocking around.
1. Teasing
You can sniff those sausages out from the minute you hit the carpark. It’s on. You strategically plan your route around the supermarket so that you’re going to arrive at the sausage stand at the exact moment those bad boys are being lifted from the frying pan. But, what’s this? You’re not stopping? That’s right. Something inside tells you it’s not a good look to be gorging yourself on free samples. It’s tacky. You are a respectable member of society. If you want sausages, buy them and cook them at home yourself, you lazy lump.
2. Regret
Everyone is walking around smiling because they’ve just tasted the greatest free sample on Earth. It’s a well known fact that supermarket sausages taste ten times nicer than anything you’d ever cook yourself. Why didn’t you just confidently walk up to the stand and take a sample? That’s why they’re there. The lady behind the stand wants you to eat it. It would make her day. Why do you always deny yourself happiness? Do you want to be miserable your whole life? EAT THE SAUSAGES.
3. Submission
Right, enough’s enough. You turn that trolley around with more force than you’ve ever expelled in your life. The hands on your watch spell out ‘commerce’, because it’s business time. You make a blatant beeline for the free sample stand and without even acknowledging the lady cooking the sausages, your hand dives straight onto the plate for a little cocktail stick of goodness. “Careful, they’re hot”, she says. You laugh as the meaty delight burns through a third of your tongue. This is the nicest sausage you have ever tasted.
4. Performance
When you come back down from your sausage high, you must now put on the greatest performance of your life. You ask the free samples lady a few questions about the sausages, as if you give a flip. As she’s talking, you stuff another sausage in your gob. Now this is living. She hands you a few coupons which you put in your pocket “for safe keeping”. You befriend some fellow vultures around the stand, exclaiming “yes, they are delicious” and throw a packet in your trolley to truly complete the performance. You are Julia Roberts and this situation is your Erin Brockovich.
5. Satisfaction
You continue your shopping trip with the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you have absolutely nailed that interaction. You were charming, pleasant and extremely appreciative of the four sausage segments you horsed into your mouth. The sales lady truly believes that you will write some sort of blog post about the food, bringing her produce to a worldwide platform of over four and a half people. You’ve done it. You’ve obtained the free sample and confirmed your acting abilities to the world. Go forth and spread the word.
