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02nd Dec 2015

8 stages of eating the ENTIRE packet of biscuits

From time to time (every day) I find myself gorging on something.

I try to be good, I really try but invariably I fail and find myself falling on the Kerry Gold like it’s some long-lost friend before then consuming everything in sight. I call it rage-eating. You know this one right? You buy the bag to last the week. You open it for a taster before popping it back in the press. And then…

8 stages of eating the ENTIRE packet of biscuits (feel free to replace the word ‘biscuits’ with ‘wine’, ‘chocolate’, ‘Doritos’, ‘cheese’ etc)

Stage 1: Buyer BEWARE

You think “I’ll buy the biggest packet because it’s cheaper (that’s how economy of scale works against us) BUT sure they’ll last the whole week.” Sure it will.

Stage 2: Just a taster

“I’ll just have one now for the walk to the car, but then no more.” Oh, we all know where this one’s going.

Stage 3: Location, location, location

I’ll put them out of the way in the hard to reach press. NOTE: Hiding things from yourself is NOT effective.

Stage 4: Distraction techniques

Go and have a sit and try not to think about the biscuits. Then dissatisfaction sets in. You go back for a few more bites.

Stage 5: Continue to ignore the biscuits

Pretend to be doing a few jobs, call a friend, try to live A NORMAL LIFE. All in vain. With each pointless task you set yourself in the kitchen, you delve in for another little morsel.

Stage 6: Commence rage-eating

At this point, you drop all pretence that you are not gonna eat the whole packet and the rage sets in. “Damn it,” you think, “I’ve gone this far”.

Stage 7: Submission, i.e. Eating the absolute sh*t outa those biscuits

Just do it, it’s inevitable. Just snatch up that bag, take it to bed with you or just assume some grotesque animalistic position and systematically devour every last morsel on the floor of the kitchen.

Stage 8: Remorse often accompanied with the thought “Why the f*ck did I just do that (again)?”

Only when the item has been consumed can I relax, but the rest period is brief, as what quickly follows is eater’s remorse. And a vow to TRY to be good.

Starting tomorrow obvi.