Granny is a superhero.
Her superpower? Lighting candles for the benefit of mankind, obviously.
I surveyed countless Grannies and have devised this highly scientific and accurate account of the top ten reasons why Granny will light a candle.
Power Failure
Not expected but also not to be omitted, Granny will inevitably light a candle if the power goes off. She might be a superhero, but seeing in the dark isn’t one of her superpowers.
Birthdays
A birthday is a time of enjoyment which mostly revolves around cake. What’s going on top of the cake? Candles, obviously. Leave it to Granny to have those suckers in the cake and whipped out within seconds of them being blown out, the divil.
Shutter Island Reenactment
Granny loves a good film, but she enjoys recreating film posters more. Every weeknight you can be sure she’s down at the photographers getting her headshots ready to superimpose her face onto her favourite movie posters. You should see her version of Calendar Girls – very cheeky 😉
Aroma Desire
Like most humans, Grannies get a serious buzz off having a nice smell around the house. She’s got Yankee Candles coming out of her ears and rightly so. There are far worse ways to spend your money, says you.
Wax Fingerprints
Children aren’t alone in wanting to tolerate the scalding hot heat of candle wax so as to achieve a perfect mould of their fingers – Grannies love it too! Some Grannies even collect the waxworks and have them on display spread right across the mantlepiece, the divils.
Altar Boy Envy
Granny is still bitter that she couldn’t be an altar boy growing up. She would’ve rung that bell three times at a far superior level than the eejits that were left in charge. Not to mention the efficiency with which she would’ve lit the church candles. She was wasted in that congregation.
Romance
Don’t be alarmed, but Granny likes a bit of romance as well! It’s not a crime. Her and Grandad aren’t made of stone, they have wants, needs and desires just like the rest of us. Nothing lightens the mood quite like the flicker of a scented candle in the room.
Improved Lighting
Even the smallest of candles can provide a beacon of light in this cruel and unforgiving world. Granny didn’t come down in the last shower, she’s a smart cookie. If you’ve an awkward spot in the living room where the light doesn’t quite reach, Granny will sort you.
Electricity Savings
It doesn’t take a genius to work out that lighting a few candles can save on those unsightly electricity costs. Granny will sometimes pretend there’s been a power cut to save a few bob on the bills. It’s fun, doesn’t do any harm and reminds her of a simpler time before electricity was invented.
Grandchildren Welfare
The most common reason Granny will light a candle is for the welfare of her grandchildren. Off she wanders down to the church, armed with bags of 20c coins. No exam is too big for her powers. Granny will light that candle and pray to the Lord above that you don’t make a show of her.
