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02nd Mar 2019

Ranking the Jonas Brothers from least to most jazzed about the reunion

Nick is being held hostage

More like the Onus Brothers, am I right? [I don’t know]

The Jonas Brothers are back, which begs the question, had they ever truly left?

Allow me to enlighten you about the Jonas Brothers. There are three of them in the band, and they are brothers. They  went away for a little while, (six years, which is 25.5 in band years) but now they are back with some new music.

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Midnight ET #Sucker

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The Jonii, as pictured above consist of Joe, Nick and Kevin, or JoNiVin, if you will. They have just released a new single that is called ‘Sucker’. For the benefit of the piece that follows, that’s probably all you need to know about these three boys.

So, based on nothing more than the promo image for ‘Sucker’, let’s figure out who’s most to least jazzed about the reunion.

3. Nick 

The saddest man alive called, he wants to pass his crown on to Nick ‘Nicholas’ Jonas. He’s just seen the photograph and feels that the title no longer belongs to him, presumably because Nick Jonas looks like you’ve just informed him that his favourite protein bar is being discontinued, also his dog just decided to leave him and there is a wildfire currently spreading dangerously close to his house which contains all of his life’s savings in cash, eagerly awaiting their chance to fuel the fire.

Nick doesn’t care for the reunion. He just married Priyanka Chopra, the winner of Miss World 2000. Between them, the pair aren’t going to have to pay for designer clothes ever again. Nick doesn’t need the reunion of the Jonas Brothers. He doesn’t need to put on pink pants that give him a camel toe. He doesn’t understand why there’s balloons being vomited from the windows in the building behind him. He doesn’t understand what the fuck Kevin is wearing. Nick Jonas is there against his own free will. This is a hostage situation. Blink twice if you need us to help you, Nick.


2. Joe

Joe is feeling pretty indifferent about the Jonas Brothers reunion. He’s just spotted a stray porcupine in the distance and is wondering if it would make a good addition to the photograph. If Joe was thinking straight, he’d realise that the porcupine would be an excellent prop, adding an element of danger given that there’s so many balloons around. Joe would call the porcupine Dr. Pork U. Pine and take him home in the back of his car, driving gently as if a newborn was on board, ensuring not to anger him so that no quills would be displaced all over the back seat.

Joe is wondering what kind of music porcupines listen to, probably noted Jonas Brother rivals, Hanson. Still, he wouldn’t hold it against Dr. Pork because that would injure everyone involved. Joe’s about to smirk in the above image, right as he realises how funny it would be if the porcupine was a fan of Spike Lee, or Pierce Brosnan. Joe’s happy to go along with the reunion, as long as he can donate all his earnings to the porcupine community and continue to allow a blind child with access to a Magna Doodle to design his clothes.


1. Kevin

Kevin Jonas cares so much about this reunion that he can’t stand it. He’s looking away because it’s a double bluff. “Yes, if I purposely gaze off to the side, people will think that Nick and Joe begged me to take part. I am perfectly content to help these two struggling artists with the immense clout that my name brings”. Sure, as the least memorable member of the Jonas Brothers, Kevin is happy to lend a hand, even dulling down his appearance to allow the others to shine. But deep down, he craves the hysteria that comes with being a Jo-Bro.

At the ripe age of 31, Kevin likely sees this reunion as his last chance to prove his worth. That’s the kind of shirt you wear to your ex’s wedding in a bid to take their attention hostage and lure them back, but in reality, it confirms all past decisions. Kevin is wearing a blouse that was accidentally left in the washing machine while you were doing some very dark denims for the first time, then you tried to counteract the stains with bleach, human blood, animal blood, semen, fire and then a bag of Skittles. Kevin Jonas is smirking because he has played us all. It seems like he’s indifferent about the reunion, but he wants it so bad he’s prepared to wear makeup and combat trousers.