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30th Mar 2016

Avicii Gave Out His Phone Number So We’ve Text Him

Ciara Knight

Avicii, Avicii, Avicii.

I can’t begin to explain the error of your ways here, buddy.

He’s given out his phone number and is encouraging fans to text him. As you can imagine, I’ve had an irrational desire within me to get involved.

Here’s what happened when I tried to get Avicii’s attention…

First, I wanted to ease him in gently. I kept it short, informal and colloquial.


Strangely, there was no response, so I thought I’d break the ice with a little joke.



Bafflingly, this also failed to get his attention. I decided to take a different route.


I let him stew for roughly three minutes. Nothing. He’s a divil.


Really like the beige nude by Chanel there, very warm yet makes a strong statement piece.

Next, I reverted back to the jokes. If he doesn’t want nudes, maybe humour is the best way forward.


Enormously proud of that one. If it’s not humour my good future friend Avicii wants, maybe it’s witty and intelligent observation…


Extremely solid observation and appropriate emoji use there, but still, nothing. I was livid at this point, so I wrote another terrible Dad joke.


As my anger grew, I looked at Avicii’s face (on Google images) to try and work out what he wants from me. Then, I noticed he looks VERY much like Taylor Swift. Does he know this? Possibly. Is he trying to hide it from us? Absolutely.


I was positively livid at this point. Why won’t he reply? Am I not funny enough? Bullshit, I’m funny. I decided to bring out the big guns. I did some research and put my all into this final message….



As of yet, no reply. It is safe to conclude that Avicii has no sense of humour and is therefore scum.