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04th Jan 2017

Irish Government officially recognises flat 7up as effective form of medication

Ciara Knight

This is a breaking news story.

Today, the Irish Government has officially recognised flat 7UP as an effective means of medication in Ireland. The announcement comes after a group of lobbyists spent upwards of 7 weeks outside Leinster House campaigning for official recognition of this soft drink.

The minister of carbonated beverages, Alan Fakesurname, spoke to shortly after he delivered the verdict this morning.

Myself and the department of CBs sat down together earlier today and really had a good think about everything. It’s a new year, a new chance for everyone and it’s high time we started recognising and celebrating everything that this small but beautiful island has to offer.

I then asked Minister Fakesurname if any research had gone into the medicinal properties of flat 7up, which may have influenced this decision.

Jesus no. Look, the only evidence we need is among our friends and family. Not a sinner in this country is without a 7up success story. Personally, I’ve been saved from incurable diseases by 7up numerous times. Sniffles, chesty cough, appendicitis, it’s all easily fixed with a sup of lemon and lime goodness.

It’s certainly welcome news across Ireland this evening, given that an unnamed man in his 20s was saved from the deathly grips of an incurable hangover on 1st January this year by a mere mouthful of flat 7up. He’s currently in Naas General Hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.

This announcement hasn’t come without outrage, however. Protests have commenced in the midlands where members of the public have been calling for the Minister of Carbonated Beverages to step down after this “embarrassing” and “damaging” decision, highlighting that the issue is of no concern to him because, as the name suggests, flat 7up, in that particular form, is no longer a carbonated beverage. The minister is yet to respond to these accusations.

As always, we’ll bring you more on this important story as it develops.