Here’s how I nailed my Rose of Tralee application form

Shortly after last year's winner was crowned, I decided that I wanted to enter and subsequently win this year's Rose of Tralee.

It was like an epiphany when it dawned on me that I deserve the title and glory that comes with being the highly coveted Rose of Tralee. I wanted it all: The sash, the crown, the cutlery. Nothing was going to stop me. The application form was difficult, but I kept my cool and put my best foot forward. A few bits of text weren't going to stop me from achieving my dreams. Here's how I nailed it.

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Please list your hobbies/interests and any special achievements: I like reading, writing, delivering sick burns, winning competitions and the heart of the nation. I won Best Speller in 5th class and got a full attendance award in secondary school.   Please list your likes/dislikes: I like my bunny (RIP Rocky x), pizza, cleaning my ears, Jane Fonda, taking off my bra at the end of a long day's work, my car and Tame Impala. I dislike people, not too keen on roses to be honest, carrots, when they put lemon in your water in a restaurant without asking you, Maura Derrane, raisins, public transport and Shrek 2.   What do you most like about where you live and work? I live in a house which is nice and probably the most logical place to live right now. I work at Her.ie which is full of huns but they're actually quite decent and sometimes nice to me. The distance from work to home is 20 mins without traffic but if there's traffic we could be kissing an hour door-to-door.   Is there an inspirational figure you would like to meet and why? Can they be dead? Either way, I'd like to meet Mary J Blige and ask her for an autograph. If she says yes, I will say "Wow, more like Mary O Blige" and we will both laugh together for 15 minutes.   What personal qualities do you think you would bring to the role of a Rose? Mystery, indifference, an inviting sense of aloofness, intrigue, an intimidating level of beauty, brows on fleek and quite honestly a justifiable frustration with the price of Freddos.   What are you goals and ambitions? To win the Rose of Tralee, obviously.   Would you like to perform? Yes, deeply.   If you answered 'yes' above, please elaborate: I will deliver a series of rapid fire sick burns aimed at my fellow Roses, turning it into the Roast of Tralee.   Please indicate where/how you heard about the search for a Rose: It was buried deep within my heart.   Upload a head & shoulders photo of yourself   As expected, the judges contacted me mere minutes after I sent the application form. They were blown away by my quirky personality and dedication to be crowned the 2016 Rose of Tralee. Unfortunately, I had to withdraw my application shortly afterwards, when it became apparent that the prize this year would not include a cutlery set. As much as I wanted the title, I was truly only in it for the knives, forks and spoons all along. The judges were gutted, as they tried to persuade me to stay in the competition, but my heart just wasn't in it anymore. It will be bittersweet for me watching the show this year, as I know in my heart and soul that I should be getting crowned the Rose of Tralee 2016. If the cutlery is brought back into the mix as a prize, I will reconsider my position, but for now, I will not be entering again.