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30th Aug 2019

The 10 stages of a relationship as told through sexual positions

Sophie White

The 10 stages of a relationship as told through sexual positions

The phases of every relationship can usually be analysed and dissected by a couple’s sexy times.

If you’re having sex with virtually all your clothes on, for example, then it’s most likely because you either just met and can’t wait the few seconds undressing would take or else you’ve been together for waaaay too long and taking off the clothes is just too much effort.


Stage 1: Standing Up (1st night)

Upright sex is literally the most eager of all the positions. If you are standing up during sex, then you are really into it. It screams, “we can’t even wait to find somewhere to lie down right now…”

In movies, people are always doing the stand-up thing but they never seem to grapple with the kinds of balance issues we have, never mind height discrepancies. What a palaver.


Stage 2: Penis Pokey (1-3 weeks – hopefully no longer than this)

The first few times can be a bit hit and miss. How many holes do they think are actually down there?


Stage 3: Backwards Cow Girl (1-2 months)

BCG is one of those fancy ones you do early on when every sexual encounter is like a saucy acrobatics show, a sexy cirque du soleil, just don’t for God’s sake lean forward as they could sustain an injury and may never trust you again.


Stage 4: Girl on Top (3 months)

You’re still in the matching underwear stage of the relationship and pretending that you don’t fall asleep eating garlic cheese chips in bed after a night out. Cling to this phase for as long as possible.


Stage 5: Surprise Anal (4 months)

Okay, we can never quite tell if they’re just chancing their arm or whether it was a genuine mistake (see Penis Pokey). Either way STOP NOW.


Stage 6: Doggy Style (5 months)

Your enthusiasm for doing stuff is waning somewhat. DS still gives the impression that you’re into it but requires less acting on your part (unless there’s a mirror in the vicinity).


Stage 7: Phoning It In (6-9 months)

This is the stage when every couple hits a sexual plateau. You may find yourselves vetoing sex if something good is coming on TV or else scheduling sex around events like book club, dinner dates with other couples and trips to Ikea. Do NOT give in (see stage 8).


Stage 8: Spicing Things Up (10 months)

Everyone gets a notion now and again that they need to inject a bit more life into the sexcapades. For us, it’s usually buying some elaborate and hard to operate underwear. For them, unfortunately, it’s usually a ‘sexy’ dance that we will never be able to unsee.


Stage 9: Missionary Position (1 year)

Missionary is the quintessential ‘boring couple’ position but the main thing is you’re still at it (see stage 10).

Stage 9a: Side Missionary Position

This one’s the same as missionary position only everyone gets to lie down. Not lie down in a saucy way but more in a ‘given up the will to try any more’ kinda way. Basically, you’re just thrashing around like a couple of eels scissoring. It’s not great, but at least no one’s getting knee chaff.


Stage 10: Spooning (fully clothed)

If you are spooning fully clothed then the likelihood is that you are married by now and may even have produced a child thus making the chances of ever having sex again seem pretty slim.


BUT…. The good news is when you ever do get around to it, it’s like Stage 1 all over again…