EXPOSED: Students Have Been Lying During Their Irish Orals

The Irish orals started on Monday. Memories of a terrifying and worrisome time have come flooding back and I don't feel great about it to be honest. We all spouted so much garbage during our Irish orals, the examiners had to consult refuse experts with regards to the most environmentally friendly way to dispose of it. This year, after an anonymous tip, it has come to our attention that students have been lying to their Irish oral examiners, to suit their limited knowledge of the language. It felt only right that we should expose them.

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1. Niamh from Portmarnock went on two summer holidays last year. We've checked this and there is no record of Niamh having left the country in the last six years. 2. Michael from Waterford has two brothers but he does not have any sisters. Michael also has a fondness for lying because, as their last census confirms, he is actually an only child. 3. John from Dublin's pastimes include walking, reading, swimming and going to the cinema. He omitted his most frequent pastime, which is drinking in a field with his mates. 4. Cathy in Meath was apparently born in 1996, which means she is doing her Leaving Certificate roughly two years older than the average student. Cathy is full of shit. She was born in 1998 and has made a show of herself. 5. Laura in Limerick is on the pig's back today. Unlikely. 6. Jennifer in Kildare plays the piano and practices for an hour every day. We didn't realise watching Netflix was considered practising the piano, Jennifer. 7. Tríona from Dunboyne wants to be a primary school teacher because she loves children. That's strange, Tríona, our research shows that your first three CAO options are for Arts. 8. Claire in Clare is both the youngest and oldest in her family. It's likely that her seven brothers and sisters would have a lot to say about this information. 9. Tina from Cork lives in the city centre, which is strange because she roughly spends €15 on a taxi home from a night out every weekend. No flies on us, Tina. 10. Apparently Katie in Kilmacthomas spent a wonderful summer in the Gaeltacht last year. Bullshit, Katie. You sat on your arse watching 11 seasons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

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We've reached out to all these students but none of them were available for a comment, which, as we all know, proves that they are extremely guilty. I have submitted a report of my findings to the DPP and await their actions.