Foreplay – a tricky one to master.
Robin Williams had an interesting theory: “God gave us all a dick and a brain but only enough blood to run one at a time.”
This one accounts for a lot of the questionable foreplay we’ve been on the receiving end of for pretty much our entire adult lives.
Another pet theory of ours is that the man in question is so shocked and excited at the prospect of sex that their instinct is to get it over with as fast as possible lest we come to our senses and rescind the offer.
In fairness to them they are trying to titillate, though their methods can range from awkward to downright chaffy.
1. Dry humping
Anything ‘dry’ in regards to women and sex is NOT a good thing.
Blowjobs tend to take the ‘play’ out of foreplay. We don’t have anything against your penis but we wouldn’t expect you to suck on a pork loin and then feel sexually aroused, now would we? I think Alien really wrecked penis for me, I totally tolerate them but I don’t really want to touch them with my face… for good reason.
3. Watching Wild Things, Spring Breakers or Nymphomaniac Volume 1 or 2
Getting hot to trot immediately after watching any of the aforementioned movies makes us feel pretty suspish, like you’re sudden interest in having sex with us has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Denise Richards or the nubile Spring Breakers. You’re being obvious.
4. Any mention of their penis in the third person
“He likes that” or “he’s missed you”. How about “‘he’s’ fucking creepy, get ‘him’ away from me.” Any personification of the penis is out. Unless it is drawing a little face on it and making it sing out of the urethra. That’s hilarious, but it’s still not foreplay.
5. Any naming of the appendage
Even in a ironic way eg. Mr Tiddles, Mr. Johnson, Peppa Penis. Just no. Especially awful is a grandiose moniker such as the The Hulk or Cockzilla.
7. Nudey dancing
Few men can pull off (ahem) dancing nude with an erect penis hanging off them without looking absolutely ridiculous. It’s just one of those things.
8. Penis Pokey, AKA back prodding
FYI: Jabbing us in the back with your penis does not an aroused woman make.
9. Random boob grab
In our experience a lot of men have no idea what to be doing with the boobs. They either zero in way too much on the nipple, a look of pained concentration on their face as they apparently try to tune a particularly tricky radio or else they go for an all-out boob massage which is pretty uncomfortable. That’s assuming that they’ve even gotten the bra off in the first place.
10. Motor boating
Unless you are Vince Vaughan circa 1996 (we’re talking Swingers-era here) don’t do it.