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08th Feb 2016

10 most dangerous things to say to a bride on her wedding day

Sophie White

Brides are the butt of a lot of jokes.

They’re usually portrayed as imbalanced; self-obsessed crazy people. But that’s just what happens when you get engaged, it’s not the bride’s fault. Everyone the bride meets in the run-up to her wedding is saying things like “Remember this is YOUR day”. It’s hard not to lose all sense of reality. She’s planning an entire event dedicated to celebrating HER (and some other person’s involved too apparently) on a budget that would reasonably do for a downpayment on a house.

Of course, they’ve gone a little bit mental. So tread carefully. Imagine the bride as an immaculately groomed and manicured rottweiler in a veil and proceed with caution,

Here’re 10 most dangerous things to say to a bride on her wedding day

“Shame about the weather.”

If the weather is a “shame” perhaps best not to bring it up at all.

“There’s been a mix up…”

Any kind of issues should not be brought to the brides attention unless you want fire and brimstone raining down on you from a stressed, vaguely-pissed-on-morning-Proseccos crazy person.


“Maybe you shouldn’t drink ’till after the ceremony.”

Taking her booze away now is just plain dangerous. Do not goad her, she will lash out.

“If you don’t want to go through with it, just say the word.”

This one can be easily misconstrued so tread carefully. If in the past, you have ever voiced ANY reservations about the groom then do not be the one to say this, it’ll reopen old wounds, and she may just go through with it out of a willful sort of skewed pride. On the other hand, if she really does look uncertain a good thing to reiterate is that losing the deposit on a venue is still cheaper than a divorce.


“Oh my god, you look amazing! You look like….”

Whoever you’re about to say, DON’T say it. Your idea of someone who looks good could be very different from her idea. I told a friend she looked the spit of Milla Jovovich, and she did not take that well. I understand now that Milla might be a bit of an acquired taste. My mistake.

“I just perioded on my bridesmaids dress.”

Despite this being a complete accident, the bride did not take this at all well. When I said I didn’t know, I was starting my period she shouted at me for not wearing an anticipatory tampon. So there you have it, the Anticipatory Tampon is a must-have for all future weddings doncha know.


“This is just like Aisling O’Farrelly’s wedding!”

Look all weddings are more or less the same but everyone wants to think theirs is unique. Instead just say: “oh my god! It looks like Pinterest exploded in here.” And: “Look at your Jennifer Aniston arms!”

“Please, can I sit on Dara Woods’ table, but don’t put me beside Devo and make sure to keep that Jen O’Neill b*tch as far away from me as possible.”

The table seating plan is such a political minefield that the wedding itself came close to being called off on several occasions just during the planning of it. As a lowly guest, your sexual prowling agenda and secondary school beef with former nemeses is about as high up on the bride’s agenda as “who’s going to talk to (irritating as f*ck) Aunty Em at dinner?” The bride does not give a shite. It’s her day.


“Doesn’t So and So look amazing.”

No one else looks amazing. That is all.

“I’m too pissed to make the speech I promised you…”

Oh, this will NOT do. I made my bridesmaid carb load through the dinner and all but forced her up on that stage to say some nice f*cking things about me dammit. And it was the best wedding speech I’ve ever heard.