This blog post was written by the talented Dublin woman Jenny Garton who blogs here. While she’s new to writing, her flair is obvious and this had us in stitches.
Have you met any of these guys?
TOP 1O TINDER TWATS
Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a self-proclaimed, self hating ‘Tinderella’.
In my time on the popular ‘dating’ site, I have encountered many beautiful specimens with personalities like teaspoons crawling around Dublin.
So, here is what I have taken from the app so far with pretty accurate descriptions of the guys I have had the pleasure of calling everything from ‘what ifs? , to ‘massive mistakes’. Being the considerate person I am, I have provided you with insights into my endeavours with the lucky men I’ve swiped right to (and the odd super-like which was alcohol fueled in the taxi home)
The “Nope” guy:
I call him this because that is the longest message he will ever send you. The most common guy I’ve seen out there. His profile is pretty standard too. Characteristics include:
In the club, bottle of Desperados in one hand, pointing at his mate with the other.
Kneeling (possibly more pointing) at a drugged up tiger in Thailand.
Half naked in Santa Ponsa.
With a girl to make you think he’s some sort of ladies man.(Found her Instagram and she has shit eyebrows, so I’m not worried about her).
He’s probably not ~that~ boring in real life,but he’s not a bit interesting at all. One word replies at this early stage of our imaginary relationship ain’t gonna cut it. Goodbye, my lover, it’s been emotional…kinda.
‘Copy and paste’ guy:
Within 2.4 seconds of matching, you receive a Leaving Cert standard piece of writing, or in my case, a rejection letter. Although, knowing every other girl in the peripheral region has received it too, softens the blow.
The ‘Cocky S.O.B with a rockin’ bod’ guy:
Before I’ve even swiped right to this SEX GOD, I’ve found all his social media pages. He is just as beautiful in his profile pics as he is in tagged ones. What sorcery is this?! I swipe right and remember that sometimes dreams do come true, even though this one is a bit of a long shot. We matched…he is defo a catfish cos he is Prince Eric and I am Sebastian The Crab of this love story. His first message contains a wink AND tongue emoji so he is clearly a fuckboy dying for a wank and a few pics to add to his collection. He had potential but wasted it.
The ‘Because you can’ guy:
I am not proud of this one, but I am not the only one I hope. He’s not that good-looking and you’re not actually that attracted to him at all. But, you know he’s already said yes and he will think you are UNREAL and shower you with compliments. So what’s the harm in a confidence boost? Judge me all you want but if you haven’t done it, I for one recommend it!
The ‘Here to Learn the English’ guy:
I can’t even pronounce his name. Great start. BUT, he’s beautiful and exotic so fuck it. He messages me and tells me he saw the Molly Malone statue, I hope he has no expectations cos my tits are at least a quarter the size of hers.
The ‘UCD’ guy:
UCD. Need I say more?! It’s written in his bio so you were warned.
I hate stereotypes as much as the next girl, but it is a well-known fact that UCD guys are DOPES. Maybe a first year has a chance of not being a knobhead. If they get to their final year they’re fucked and have been consumed by their UCD gym culture and are past the point of saving. Just save your head from being wrecked with how ‘great’ UCD is and don’t swipe right. This is writing from experience.
The ‘Gym’ guy:
Similar to the UCD guy, they could probably double up if he’s studying sports science or fitness.
Firstly, there is nothing wrong with going to the gym, you lift them weights and feel good about yourself man! But, why are you asking ME if I go to the gym?! I clearly do not go considering I am a potato with multiple chins. This guy wants to be in a viral video of gym couples lifting each other and I will not be part of that. I’ll tell you now pal, with that skinny six-pack I would FLATTEN you if you tried to deadlift me. That’s probably where the name came from. Some poor girl wanted to humour her boyfriend and now he’s dead. RIP.
The ‘Too good to be true, and is’ guy:
This guy is good-looking, funny and can actually extend my 3-second attention span during a conversation. But, he HAS actual life plans and is working towards them. While I’m here writing about him. See you in a few years, dibs being your trophy wife.
The ‘Silent’ guy:
The anonymous guy who will never speak to you and stays in the little bubble above all the conversations you’ve had. You’re loss hun stay in line with your fellow losers who didn’t make it to the chatting phase.
The ‘Creepy fetish’ guy:
Now, I’ve saved this for last because I don’t know how many people have experienced this level of unsettling behavior. My phone becomes a vibrator. A message calling me “cute” or the occasional “beautiful” sends me over the edge and I’m already naming our children.I have not yet learned that he is in fact, a PSYCHO! Nine times out of ten, he’ll say he likes my glasses which is THE WEIRDEST compliment you can receive when you sport spectacles. He then decides to tell me a detailed account of what would happen if ‘I was there right now’ which has a romantic ending of him ejaculating on my glasses. Grand. Unmatch.