JUST PROPOSE ALREADY, BRIAN!
Life is hard enough without waiting for your stubborn boyfriend to propose. It’s not that hard, all he has to do is whisk you away on a quick fortnight trip to Paris, culminating in a proposal atop the Eiffel Tower as the 9pm lights display kicks off.
The following morning, you’ll notify your family and friends, alerting them to the fact that your life is finally fulfilled. Elated, they will relax and feel an overwhelming sense of calm that you won’t spend the rest of your days alone.
Until that day comes, here’s 5 handy ways to distract your disgusting and undesirable self.
1. Find a hobby
Hobbies are a fantastic way to distract yourself from your wasteful existence. The main aim of a hobby is to provide entertainment and relaxation. If you’re not sure what the right hobby for you is, do some research because let’s face it, you’ve got loads of time to kill. I recommend trying a different hobby each day to see what grabs your interest. Baton twirling, speed jigsawing, candle making, painting and lucid dreaming are all excellent places to start. Just try your best to hold off on anything that alludes to wedding planning, as it might scare himself off.
2. Obsess over your moles
Did you know that most people have between 10-40 moles? And one in every 10 people have an atypical mole? Well pet, not to scaremonger you, but you could be that person. Even though the vast majority of moles aren’t dangerous, there’s no shame in getting yours checked. More importantly, any new moles that appear after you turn 30 are at a higher risk of being dangerous, and at the rate himself is going, you’ll still be extremely unmarried then as well. Better get started on the obsessing now, woo!
3. Burden your friends with your worries
You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem piled onto someone else’s already problem-filled life. Ignore your inner morals telling you to keep your irrational worries to yourself, book a rental van and offload that shit onto your closest (and even most distant) friends. Ideally, you should target your extremely single friends, so your inconsequential woes can present themselves as your friend’s actual dreams. Harass your nearest and dearest until they can tolerate you no more, then vent your frustration on himself. He’ll propose instantly.
4. Leave mean comments on the internet
Probably the most common way to vent your life’s frustrations is by taking it out on disinterested and undeserving victims. Found an article that’s not to your taste online? Fantastic. Instead of ignoring it and moving on with your life like a normal person, why not devote a portion of your free time to constructing a poorly worded and poorly spelled argument as to why the person who wrote it, who is simply trying to make a living like yourself, is a disgusting, repulsive and unqualified turd that should face the death penalty for bravely sharing their work with the world.
5. Embrace your impending mortality
Listen, at the end of the day, we’re all going to die. Life is about experiences, not material possessions. Worst case scenario, if he never proposes, you can always order yourself a groom online. There’s a host of fantastic websites where you can order your very own tailor-made husband. Green eyes, brown hair, a six pack, good sense of humour, literally Channing Tatum, whatever takes your fancy. Once he arrives, along with a cheeky pair of shoes off ASOS, you can begin growing old and eventually dying together. Wedded bliss <3