Mams are great.
They come in a variety of different shapes, sizes and genders. Everyone’s Mam is a law unto themself, which adds a large amount of spice to life, both literally and metaphorically.
A particularly captivating breed of Mam is the Irish Mam. Such a beautiful combination of worry, concern, love, noseyness and fussing isn’t found in any other nationality of Mam, I’m convinced of it.
Here’s 5 different types of Irish Mam you’ve probably encountered.
- Party Mam
This type of Mam is, as the name suggests, most comfortable at one of her children’s birthday parties. Her life’s work has been geared towards not making a balls of cutting the birthday cake and ensuring that nobody goes home hungry and party bag-less. It’s a stressful event, but she thrives on the pressure. For weeks she’ll be telling her friends about how she’s had to order the cake seven years in advance, force little Sinéad to pick between a Frozen or Toy Story theme and most importantly, dissuade her from such ludicrous notions as wanting a bouncy castle in January, the wettest month on record last year in Ireland.
Key Phrases:
“Did you get enough to eat?”
“Mind those crumbs on the carpet”
“How’s your Mam?”
“Will you take a slice of cake home to your brother?”
2. GAA Mam
Ball is life for this Irish Mam. Her car is obscenely large to house the hurleys, helmets, 18 team members (including subs) and Mam’s pride at her little Ó hAilpíns in the making. Shouting obscenities at the referee from the sidelines is her specialty, along with turning a blind eye to her youngest’s inability to ever make contact between a sliotar and a hurley. The coaches must have something against young Ferdia, they’re not picking him to play because they’re intimidated by his prowess on the pitch. 10 minutes playing Under 12s club hurling and he’ll be snapped up for county selection, no doubt about it.
Key Phrases:
“This is our year”
“We didn’t see you at training the last few weeks Colm, were you sick?”
“I don’t understand why we can’t just park the Range Rover ON the pitch”
“Referee if you don’t cop on I’m going to chuck my soy decaf chai latte AT YOUR FACE”
3. Supermarket Mam
Her second home is the supermarket and Christ doesn’t she let you know about it! Supermarket Mam finds a reason almost every day to stick her head into the local shop for “a few messages” and makes it her business to meet half the world in those aisles. She’s on a first-name basis with the staff and it’s possible she’s closer to them than a large portion of her immediate family. Woe betide anyone that gets in Supermarket Mam’s way if she’s in a hurry. Trying to pay for 12 items at the ’10 items or less’ till? Not on her watch. Go and join the big queue like everyone else, thank you very much.
Key Phrases :
“Back again!”
“Have you any of the small trolleys?”
“I forgot my list so no doubt I’ll be back in an hour!”
“Have ye any lettuce that isn’t withered to shite?”
4. Pushy Mam
You wouldn’t wish being the descendant of a Pushy Mam on your worst enemy. She’s got her sprogs enrolled in violin, gymnastics, beginners French, elocution, drama, piano, swimming and advanced notions. Conversations with Pushy Mam will usually be very one-sided as she informs you of Sorcha’s latest achievements in the world of 3-year-old’s photography. God be good to anyone sat behind this Mam for the school’s Christmas nativity play, as she rocks up with a full film crew, director and professional lighting to capture little Milly’s debut as background tree number eight.
Key Phrases:
“We’ve been up since 5am for swimming”
“I haven’t a minute to myself, it’s all go”
“We just feel it’s important to nurture their gifts and help them unlock their true potential”
“Two months of French lessons and she still can’t say BONJOUR”
5. Hippy Mam
Other Mams are baffled by her lackadaisical attitude towards heavily policing her children’s lives. She’ll show up to the school in a pair of harem pants, waving off her twins Dream and Destiny with their organic packed lunches, returning back to her secluded home in her refurbished Prius. Hippy Mam doesn’t conform to societal norms, she’s in her own little incense-filled world, allowing her children to befriend fairies down the back of the garden if they so wish. Her son has long hair and to be fair, he absolutely rocks it. Watch her dominate the yearly bake sale with her questionable brownies for the other parents.
Key Phrases:
“There’s actually a lot of toxins in Lunchables, you should be careful what you’re feeding your kids”
“We only wash every seven weeks to save water”
“I really miss my dreadlocks”
“My kids are not responsible for bringing head lice into this school”
