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27th Jun 2016

This guy reckons he has a better Brexit plan than any politician – and he probably does

'Right. Fuck this. We're ALL up shit creek and we need a paddle. Now, not in three months.'

Kevin Beirne

If you’ve been watching the news at all this weekend, you’ll be well aware that politicians seem to be burying their heads in the sand right now.

The UK has voted to leave the EU, but the only problem is that apparently nobody has any fucking clue what to do next. We know that technically we’re supposed to invoke Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty, but for some reason both sides are refusing to do so just yet.

David Cameron has resigned as Prime Minister, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are backtracking on their pre-referendum promises and George Osborne apparently thought that this weekend was the perfect time to re-connect with nature and throw his phone in a pond.

We are now at a stage where the main Leave campaigners clearly never believed they would actually win, and are now blaming the Remain side for not having a post-Brexit plan.

Realistically at this point we should be begging Nicola Sturgeon to come down south and run the country since she appears to be the only politician in Britain with any sort of a plan or at least the ability to pretend she has one.

And if the SNP leader does come down to actually help us sort this mess out, maybe she should consider taking on Dom Beaven as a senior adviser.

You might not have heard of him before, but the Bath man has managed to do what so few of our leaders have after the referendum result and set out a clear strategy to unite both sides of the fence and have us all pulling in the same direction to sort out this mess.

Beaven shared his thoughts on Facebook and the status has been shared over 170,000 times now.

Right. Fuck this. We’re ALL up shit creek and we need a paddle. Now, not in three months.

Fellow Remain voters: Enough already. Yes, we’re all pissed off but navel gazing ain’t gonna help. Not all 17 million Leave voters can possibly be racist northern pensioners without an O level to their name. Maybe they have a point about this quitting the EU thing? Maybe not. Whatever, we are where we are and no amount a whinging is gonna change that. Allegedly we’re the intelligent ones, so get your thinking caps on.

Leave voters. Well done. Good game. We hear you. Now you need to get stuck in to the aftermath and not just piss off back to Wetherspoons. (Just banter, twats!). And the first person to say they “want their country back” gets deported to fucking Gibraltar. OK?


David. Fuck off. Shut the door behind you. Now.

George. You may be a twat but you’re our twat. Plus you know the passwords for our Junior Savers account. Get your calculator. Drop the face-like-a-slapped-ass routine. You’re on.

Boris. Sorry mate. That photo of you abseiling by your scrotum over the London Olympics while waving a Union Jack can’t ever be un-taken. Plus, you’ll never be able to appear on Question Time again without some sturdy Glaswegian nurse asking where the fuck her 350 million quid is. Not only will she have a very good point, she’ll be wearing a T shirt that shows you gurning in front of that fucking bus! No captains hat for you I’m afraid.

Theresa. You’re in charge love. Get the biggest shoulder pads you’ve got. We need Ming The Merciless in drag and you’ll scare the shit out of ’em.

Nicola. Yep. Fair cop. You probably could get us on a technicality, as could London. But we fucking love shortbread. And oil. And to be honest you’re probably the best politician we’ve got, so we need you on side. Sort your lot out and we promise never to mention that Jimmy Krankie thing again (although it is pretty uncanny) and we’ll make you a Dame once we’re sorted. Bring Ruth Davidson. She kicks ass.

Opposition party. We’ll need one. Someone take Jeremy and John back to the British Legion Club where you found them. Take Nigel as well. Give back their sandals, buy them a pint, then go to Heathrow and collect David Milliband. Fuck it. Lets gets Ed Balls as well. He keeps George on his toes. I think he works on the lottery kiosk at Morrisons now?

Oh. And Mark Carney. Give him a knighthood and tell him to keep that shit coming. We definitely need more of that good shit!

Everyone set? Right. Hold the Easyjet. We’re going to Brussels and this ain’t no hen party.

‪#‎weneedaplan‬ Share!

Post-Brexit solved. The Union has been preserved.