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08th Apr 2016

FINALLY There’s A Way To Contour Your Personality

Ciara Knight

Contouring, am I right?

My understanding of contouring is that it makes any given body part appear a little bit nicer for others to look at. Harmless.

Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief if your personality is garbage, because I’m about to sort your life out in three easy steps.


~*’s Personality Contouring Tutorial *~

STEP 1: 

You’re going to need to get a brain scan. Simple. Once that’s done, the Doctor will be able to pinpoint exactly which part of your brain is causing your disgusting personality the most problems. Generally, it’s the BAS (Being A Sap) area that needs the most contouring, closely followed by the BAB (Being A Bitch) and BAD (Being A Dope). Relax, everyone has a small element of each of these areas. It’s perfectly normal.


This is my scan. As you can see I am more of a sap than a dope or bitch. Phew!


Similar to facial contouring, you’re going to want to highlight the areas that are nice. I recommend your sense of humour (if you have one) and also your concern regarding the extortionate price of Freddos in Ireland. You’re also going to need to maximise your cute and fun nature, otherwise, you’re scum. The key to a good and palatable personality is being funny, smart, not annoying, a tiny bit smug and also completely fearless of the afterlife. Once you’ve put enough highlighter on these areas (careful not to go near the frontal lobe or you’ll die – LOL!), you can start accentuating these areas further with a decent bronzer. Hide the problem areas by smothering them in foundation, obviously!

Hand-drawn vector drawing of a Head in Side View, Cross Section of the Brain. Black-and-White sketch on a transparent background (.eps-file). Included files are EPS (v10) and Hi-Res JPG.

As a girl, being cute should ALWAYS be at the back of your mind 😉


Congratulations, you’ve done it! You’ve successfully altered the appalling personality that you were born with and now you’re free to live your brand new life as a better person that’s a lot easier to be around. Throw your inspirational quotes in the bin because they don’t need to love you at your worst anymore – they deserve you at your best.