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26th Nov 2018

#AgonyCant How do I tell my fella I want to start using sex toys with him?

Jade Hayden

start using sex toys

agony can't

“I recently got into using sex toys when I masturbate.

“Tbh, I didn’t see the appeal for years but once I started I was sold. The only problem now is that I wanted to start using sex toys during sex with my boyfriend, but I’m not sure he’d be into it and I don’t know how to approach it. 

“Obviously, he doesn’t have a problem with me using toys on my own, but I get the feeling he’d feel inadequate or something, or that I was insulting his performance in the bedroom (I’m not). 

“The sex is really good but I don’t see the harm in trying new things and seeing if it could be better.”

Some people like using sex toys.

Some people don’t like using sex toys.

And some people haven’t quite figured out how they feel about sex toys.

Wherever it is you fall on the spectrum, we should all be of the opinion that sex toys are great, fun, and generally a decent addition to most situations.

There’s absolutely nothing problematic about wanting to introduce a toy (or seven) into your sex life. They’re class like, why wouldn’t you?

Riding is, as we all know, all about communication.

Like, it’s about pleasure too but if neither of you know what they other person wants, chances are you won’t be all that pleased by the end of it.

If you’re in a decent, healthy, positive relationship, the two of you have most likely chatted about what you like during sex, and what you don’t like during sex.

Communication is the only surefire thing that’ll allow you both to maximise the benefits of such a scenario, so honestly, you may as well be doing it – you might be good in bed but that, unfortunately, does not make you a sex-based clairvoyant.

So, based on the assumption that the two are you are pretty open about your sexual needs and wants, just do what you’re asking and tell him you want to try something new.

Sex toys aren’t something to be embarrassed of and they definitely aren’t something that points to a less-than-sufficient sex life.

The idea that the only people who introduce toys into the bedroom are couples who’ve been together for 10+ years and people who are bored is a myth.

Yeah, there are probably people in settled relationships and people who are sick of each other that do that very thing, but they’re not the entire sex toy demographic. Far from it.

The human body is capable of a lot of different things, but to be fair to it, stimulation through vibration isn’t one of them.

So yeah, honestly, just chat to him.

You already use toys yourself, you’ve got them handy, you can casually introduce them some day. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, nobody needs to panic, it’s all grand.

And if you both like it, it’s even grander.

If he’s totally against the idea from word go, explain why it’s important to you and why you want to start using them.

If you need to, reassure him that introducing sex toys isn’t about a current lack of pleasure or inadequacy or any of those things – it’s about trying something new and seeing if it works for you both.

A vibrator isn’t going to replace anybody – but it may make things more enjoyable… for everybody.

Worried about going on a first date with someone new? Got some lad onto you who won’t take the hint? Are you being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or some other new form of dating trend? Just need somewhere to vent about everything that’s wrong with your love life? Same, to be honest.

Don’t worry though because at Her we’ve been there, we are still there, and we can maybe even give you some decent advice. At the end of the day, #ShiftHappens to all of us. 

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