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04th Jan 2019

#AgonyCant I’m just out of a five and a half year relationship and I don’t know how to be single

Jade Hayden

agony can't

“I’m 21 and towards the end of my five and a half year relationship.

“My boyfriend had absolutely zero interest in me or doing anything with me. We broke up mutually after I asked if he loved me or if he was just afraid to be lonely.

“It’s been two months and I’m over the initial hurt and heartbreak but I’m terrified. I’m not even sure how to be single!? I haven’t been single since I was 15?

“I don’t want a relationship but I’m not sure how to go about just ‘having fun’ like I’m being told by everyone. I just feel like no one would be interested in me or I’d come across as something I’m not. What is a girl to do?”

A girl is to take a few mins there and give herself a break, tbh.

Five and a half years is an extremely long time to be in a relationship with someone when you’re in your 20s and 30s. It may as well be a lifetime when you start going out when you’re 15.

Right now, you probably feel lost, terrified, and generally unable – and it is 100 percent OK, normal, and expected to feel all of those things.

A massive part of your life has just changed (probably for the better tbh given this lad’s reaction), and honestly it would be incredibly weird if you weren’t at least mildly freaking out.

Let yourself feel that fear and terror. Worry that you don’t know how to be single or how to ‘have fun’ or how to start dating whenever and if ever that opportunity arises again.

Everyone is in the same boat.

Literally everybody. 

Nobody knows how to single. Even the most seasoned single people who’ve been dating various people casually for years haven’t got a clue what they’re doing.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing either. If everybody had a total grasp on and understanding of what each and every date they went on was going to be like, what would be the point?

There’d be no excitement, no spontaneity, no chronic worry that he’s going to be an absolute dickhead and then subsequent relief when he ends up being actually sort of alright?

The terror is normal, and you will experience it, but not until you’re ready.

'Fishing' is the latest dating trend and it's probably been done to you

Also, not to play the “you’re so young” card, but you are so young.

Like, literally so young.

How you’re feeling now might be confusing and horrendous and awful, but chances are you’re going to meet a lot more people in your life who are going to make you feel a whole lot worse.

… And then there’s the people who are going to make you feel a whole lot better.

You’re 21: there’s going to be so many more men and women who are going to come into your life, have some sort of vague or substantial impact, and then fuck off again.

They might show up completely out of the blue, or they might arrive because you’ve been on the look out for them.

But it’s fairly likely that they won’t be let into your life until you’re ready.

And if you’re not ready, then just leave it. ‘Having fun’ doesn’t have to mean dating, sex, or any of those other things that are probably a million miles away from anything you feel like doing right now.

It could literally just be ‘having fun’ – going out, drinking drinks, eating your body weight in Pad Thai while becoming increasing frustrated with Black Mirror Bandersnatch because no matter what path you choose, you simply cannot give Stefan the quiet, nice life he so painfully needs and deserves. 

Don’t do anything until you want to.

And when you want to, it’ll be terrifying. But it’s like that for everyone. So don’t worry.

You’ll be fine.

Worried about going on a first date with someone new? Got some lad onto you who won’t take the hint? Are you being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or some other new form of dating trend? Just need somewhere to vent about everything that’s wrong with your love life? Same, to be honest.

Don’t worry though because at Her we’ve been there, we are still there, and we can maybe even give you some decent advice. At the end of the day, #ShiftHappens to all of us. 

Send all questions here or email [email protected]. All submissions will be published anonymously.