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26th Dec 2018

‘Never drinking again’: The 26 stages of going out in your home town

God speed.

Anna O'Rourke

wines for autumn

Because what else is there to do when you’re home?

Here are the 26 stages of going out in your home town, as told by Amy Schumer.


1.You arrive home buzzing for your night out with the home gang, to the amusement of your mum and dad.


2.You get ready in your parents’ house and convince yourself that you still fit into your teenage clothes.


3. You end up in something tiny belonging to your little sister and just decide to roll with it.


4. And down a sneaky drink alone in your bedroom before leaving the house.


5.You hit the offie on the way, where you’re disappointed to discover you no longer get asked for ID.


6. You head on to pre drinks, where you’re reunited with the hometown squad and take 34 group selfies.


7.The drinking starts out pretty chill…



8. But everyone panics when the taxi arrives.


9. And yet you get to the pub and somehow still feel sober.


10. All of a sudden the drink hits and ye hit the dance floor.


11.You’ve forgotten how messy your friends can get


12.And also how messy you get when you’re with them.


13.You’re back at the bar when you spot the lad you fancied in school


14. And the guy who used to fancy you. Back off Kevin.


15. Sadly, the lad you fancied is having none of it


16. So you keep drinking.


17. You go to the smoking area for ‘some air’ when you spot your bestie gobbing onto the guy you fancied.


18.Infuriated, you head back inside and things take a turn for the desperate…


19. But for some reason there are no takers, so you go find Kevin.


20. Not long after, things come to a head.


21.It’s definitely time for food now.


22. So you hit the local McDonalds to stuff your face…


23. And patiently wait for your friends to come get you so you can go home.


24.That’s where your memory ends, and all of a sudden it’s the next morning.


25.You have to face your parents after the racket you made coming in.


26. And you spend the morning on the toilet. Woo.