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Health

26th May 2016

Important life-changing medicine we wish existed

Ciara Knight

Life is tough.

As females, there are so many everyday struggles and hardships that we have to endure, such as finding a nice outfit, making sure there isn’t a hair on our perfect bodies and hoping that one day we will truly be considered equal to men.

With that in mind, I have come up with some medication that would make our lives a lot easier. All I need is for someone to get the correct balance of ingredients and we’re laughing. Literally. That is one of the tablets.

1. Motivatisil

Prescription bottle and prescription on aqua background.

Take one 500mg tablet of Motivatisil to add to your body’s motivation. It has proven effective for the following treatments:

  • Motivate yourself to exfoliate and put on tan.
  • Motivate yourself to go to the gym rather than ordering pizza.
  • Motivate yourself to go out a second night in a row.
  • Motivate yourself to wax every aspect of your disgusting body.
  • Motivate yourself to study for your exams. Come on Susan, you’re failing everything.

2. Ambitionol

Close-up tablets scattered on the table and hand of woman.

The recommended dosage of Ambitionol is two 250mg per day to give yourself a bit more ambition. It is still in trial mode, but is expected to result in the following:

  • Gain the ambition to beat your high score on Candy Crush.
  • Gain the ambition to get a better Leaving Cert than your idiot brother.
  • Gain the ambition to secure a job at Google and finally secure yourself a Google bike.
  • Gain the ambition to win the lotto by starting to play the lotto.
  • Gain the ambition to eat another Freddo because you’re not a quitter.

3. Emote-Be-Gone

Medication3

Take one Emote-Be-Gone, swallowed orally, when needed. This medication has a proven track record of suppressing emotion in the following situations:

  • Suppress your emotions so you can finally watch a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy without getting yourself in a heap.
  • Suppress your emotions so you can see a happy elderly couple minding each other without them noticing a single appreciative tear rolling down your cheek.
  • Suppress your emotions so you can parallel park without shouting at your passengers for distracting you.
  • Suppress your emotions so you don’t aggressively throw an inhaler at your colleague who breathes too loudly.
  • Suppress your emotions so you don’t fall deeply in love with every attractive male you sit near on the bus.

4. Foresightinol

A generic pack of statins with a stethoscope. A controversial anti cholesterol medication.All logos removed.

Take one 40mg tablet of Foresightinol to gain the ability of seeing into the future for the following situations:

  • To see how the weather is going to pan out, so you can dress appropriately.
  • To see if someone you dislike is going to be at a party, so you can ascertain whether you want to attend or not.
  • To see what lottery numbers are coming up, so you can reduce your intake of Ambitionol and finally win the lotto.
  • To see where the night out is going to end up, so you can decide whether flat shoes need to be thrown into your bag.
  • To see what’s in Penneys before you go and trek yourself into town for a browse.