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28th Sep 2016

8 ways Passport To Paris lied to us about teenage romance

Passport To Paris should’ve won an Oscar, and then subsequently been stripped of the Oscar for misleading impressionable young girls.

Mary-Kate and Ashley’s little trip abroad was every tween’s dream, mostly because it grossly exaggerated the reality of teenage romance, along with the trials and tribulations of being 13 and in “love” in another country.

Shortly after viewing the straight to video triumph, I felt the harshness of everyday reality settling in and immediately felt contempt towards the girls. How dare they mislead me like that.

Here’s 8 ways Passport To Paris lied to us all about holiday romance.

During mid term, your parents will send you abroad to stay in your Grandad’s mansion


Mid term’s coming up, better pack your bags and get ready for an all expenses paid trip to Paris to your Grandad’s mansion. He’s the U.S. ambassador to France after all! Even if he’s busy, his grumpy assistant will be there to show you around. Oh, what’s that? I’m living a fantasy? Correct. My Grandad is dead and my mid term will be spent annoying my Mam at home and begging her for money to spend on magazines and sweets, actually.


While on holidays, you will instantly find yourself a handsome French (mutual) crush


You’ll be wandering the Parisian streets with your Grandad’s assistant when two handsome French boys approach you and your identical twin sister. They will say something vaguely French and then hand both of you a rose. They will be riding scooters which they are allegedly legally permitted to do so from the age of 14 and they will be very flirty. Essentially, they give off the vibe that they’ve spent their entire lives waiting for your arrival.


You rarely fight with your siblings and even find potential suitors together


Regardless of the fact that you are twins, you see each other as best friends and rarely argue. You dress quite similarly, have identical haircuts and have no problem whatsoever in going boyfriend hunting with each other. Life is a journey that you are lucky to spend together. Not buying it? Correct. Any normal 13 year old sisters will both typically have nail marks on their bodies from when the other lashed out in a fit of rage over who drank all the Sunny D.


You’ll bump into a famous French model who offers to take you under her wing


While having a quick tea break from being shown around the various attractions and landmarks in Paris, you’ll casually bump into a famous model who is very interested in both you and your 13 year old twin sister. She’ll take you under her wing instantly and offer to show you around the city and bring you shopping whilst also schooling you on how to nab yourself one of those elusive French boyfriends. Standard holiday antics really.


You’ll get arrested for trespassing on private property with your new boyfriend


Apparently entering a private premises is warrant enough for your immediate detention in police custody. The French police are generally quite lacking in any real work to do, so they focus a large amount of their resources on teenagers having a quick wander around the place. If this “incident” took place in Ireland, you’d be told to move along and possibly even get a stern wink from the Gardaí.


Your new French boyfriend will serenade you from outside the window


Pierre and the other Pierre are so taken with you and your twin sister that they will stop at nothing to become the sole objects of your affection. No amount of time spent together is enough, meaning they will resort to waiting beneath your window for even as little as a glimpse of your cute little American face. In reality, no Irish lad would risk the wrath of your protective Dad by setting foot in the environs of your house. Plus, you live in a bungalow, so it’s not particularly romantic at eye level.


Your first kiss will take place at a classy French high school dance


Under the drowsy lights in a French high school auditorium, your new French boyfriend will slow dance with you and instigate the most perfect first kiss of all time. You’ll feel drunk with love and dance the night away to the sweet sounds of a teenage band. Eh, unlikely. Your first kiss will be an awkward encounter at a teenage disco in the nearest town, when some lad’s friend taps you on the shoulder, points at his pal and you eagerly oblige.


When you return to your homeland, you will have no interest in your former crush


Having sampled the exotic French fruits that lie abroad, you’ll laugh at your former self upon returning home. Why on Earth did you ever fancy that dork with the blonde streaky curtains? That is not the way that your path lies nowadays. You’ve met Pierre, been on the back of his scooter and done sword-fighting with baguettes under the Eiffel Tower. These 13 year old nerds can shag off if they think you’ll be giving them the time of day from now on.




Images via Warner Bros