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24th May 2016

Comment: Let’s shut up talking about celebrities and their age/appearance

If they don't look old, fair play to them for defying aging or for spending a few bob on having a nice face.

Unless a celebrity has surgically replaced their face with that of a Morbeg, I don’t care nor believe that I “won’t recognise their face anymore”.

If I see one more sensationalist headline about Renée Zellweger, or any other (usually female) aging celebrity being ‘unrecognisable’, I am going to lightly sautée and then subsequently eat my own eyes.

Celebrities are fortunate enough to have loads of money and if they want to spend that preventing themselves from being old and wrinkly, then leave them off. I would very likely spend my millions on sea monkeys and Kinder Buenos, so if they want to look younger to feel better about themselves, what flipping harm?

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 03: Renee Zelwegger attends the SeriousFun Children's Network - London Gala at The Roundhouse on November 3, 2015 in London, England. (Photo by Anthony Harvey/Getty Images)

[Quite literally the only circumstance during which it’s okay to say “You Won’t Recognise This Photo Of Renée Zellweger”]

There isn’t a person among us that hasn’t noticed a rogue line appear on their face and contemplated blasting it out of there using any means of cosmetic surgery available. We are humans and we want to look flawless.

People’s minds are being dumbed down and lured into reading stupid articles about how celebrities’ appearances have inevitably changed over time. We lose our minds over Gwyneth Paltrow and Gwen Stefani being absolute freaks of nature and seemingly ageless creatures, but almost feel at ease to see that The Rolling Stones all look like poorly folded towels these days.

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 11.25.09

If you Google search ‘celebrities aging’, the first option is ‘badly’. That’s what most people are searching for. We are disgusting pigs. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where ‘celebrities aging that we still want to ride’ was the top search? Simply stunning.

I bought an anti-wrinkle cream at the ripe old age of 19 because I noticed that several lines appeared in my forehead when I raised my eyebrows. It turns out everyone has them, classic me. I still have that cream and I will probably start dipping into it in the very near future as a precautionary and preventative means of skincare. Not because I’m scared of having wrinkles, but because I want to be a freak of nature like Gwen Stefani.

Going forward, I propose that we leave famous people alone to go about their business. If they look old, good, it means they’re human. If they don’t look old, fair play to them for defying aging or for spending a few bob on having a nice face.

At the end of the day, we are all decaying sacks of garbage trying to meander our way through this cruel and unforgiving world. Let’s maybe not berate someone based on the entirely uncontrollable rate at which they are succumbing to age and how they choose to deal with it.