Dry January was nice while it lasted.
However, since the weather has repeatedly shafted us this month, many decided to throw the glad rags on and head on out last night.
If you were one of them, these may look familiar…
Phase One: Confusion
The clock says it’s 7.30am but you’ve only been home a few hours and have nothing to do today, why are you awake?! And why does your tongue feel like you’ve been licking the carpet?
Phase Two: Panic
‘How did I get home? Who did I meet?’ ALL THE QUESTIONS!
Phase Three: Hunt and Gather
‘Where’s my wallet? Phew, there it is. My keys! Damn, they’re still in the door. Please tell me I didn’t lose my phone??!! Oh it’s in the bed. Grand.’
Phase Four: WTF?
There’s a jacket at the end of the bed…but it doesn’t belong to you. A true ‘proper’ night out demands you return with at least one item that you’ve never seen before. Our collection includes jewellery, make-up and several strange phone numbers.
Phase Five: Flashbacks
While you’ve spent the first ten minutes in a blissful haze, memories arrive and hit you harder than Mike Tyson in a bad mood. These are usually helped along by going through your recovered wallet, which now houses a collection of credit card recipts that act as a trail of crumbs for the madness of the night before. This trail usually ends in Supermac’s.
Phase Six: UDI (Unidentified Drunken Injury)
You move to get out of bed but seem to have an unusual throbbing in your leg. On closer inspection, it seems to be in the same area as a massive black bruise that you’ve never seen before. Time to send the old ‘did I fall last night?’ text to your bestie.
Phase Seven: The Fear
Oh sweet loving divine Jesus, what were you at last night? You can’t remember the end of the night so you obviously must have bumped into people from work, shifted a fella who made the extras from Lord of the Rings look attractive and disgraced yourself, your family and all belonging to you.
Phase Eight: Social Media Detox
Time to face the music. There’s ten texts from your friends wondering where you are, one reading ‘How’s the head, babe?’ from a number you don’t recognise and ten Facebook notifications including a collection of words that you would sell a kidney to remove from the English dictionary. ‘You’ve been tagged’. One word: remove, remove, remove. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Phase Nine: Bad Food
You’ll lost your dignity, liver function and possibly the contents of your stomach so the only thing that will now make you feel better is lots and lots of bad food. A fry-up would put the world to rights but you’re dying of a hangover so you’ll probably just crawl to the shop and buy ten varieties of crisps, chocolate and ice-cream to have for lunch instead.
Phase Ten: The Cure
You may start the day by saying ‘I’m never drinking again!’ but sometimes, there’s only one thing for a hangover. The same thing that got you there in the first place. Cheers!
