Rejection hurts.
That’s a given. But whether you see it as an inevitable part of life and growing older, or a soul-destroying reflection of all the things you already hate about yourself is down to your inherent mindset.
In a piece written by Standford University’s Lauren Howe for The Conversation, two different personality types come into play when it comes to rejection and heartbreak – ‘fixed mindset’ and ‘growth mindset’ – ie. those who believe that their own personality is fixed, or can’t be changed, and those who believe that personalities are malleable and are always growing and changing.
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In a study conducted by Howe and her colleague Carol Dweck, it was found that those who believe personality is fixed were more likely to link the rejection to a fundamental flaw in their core identity.
People who fell into this category admitted that following rejection they “put up walls” and felt they had “baggage”.
In contrast, those who have a ‘growth mindset’ believe that their personality is something that can evolve and develop throughout their lives, and thus don’t tend to see rejection as “evidence about who they really are – as a sign of whether they are a flawed and undesirable person”.
If you fall into the ‘fixed mindset’, the rejection doesn’t have to be from a serious relationship to make you question who you are.
Even someone at a party saying that they aren’t romantically interested in a fixed mindset person can have a devastating effect on their confidence.
In a final study, Howe and Dweck created articles that “described personality as something that can evolve throughout the course of a lifetime, rather than as something that’s predetermined.”
After reading these pieces, people with fixed mindset “became less likely to interpret rejections as an indication of a permanent, fatal deficiency.”
They conclude: “By encouraging the belief that personality can change and develop over time, we may be able to help people exorcise the ghosts of their romantic pasts—and move on to satisfying relationships in the future.”
Interested? Read the articles here.
