In a new weekly feature, Her.ie goes behind enemy lines to see what it’s really like to be single in Ireland.
From speed dating to making speedy escapes, our no-holds-barred blog will follow one girl’s attempts to venture into the dating jungle, play the field and share any wisdom that she finds along the way!
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Week Three: Boys and Buses
They say you should never run after either of the above and they also say that you’ll be waiting ages for one, then two will turn up at the same time.
In my experience, both of these sayings are sage advice and certainly reflective of my dating journey so far. From a (mostly) chaste existence that the Pope himself would approve of, my love life has become as busy as Connolly Station over the past few weeks. So much so, that my friends have started ended their night out invitations with the line ‘but you’ve probably got a date’.
Actually, I’ve only been on a handful since I kicked off my Shifty First Dates experience (i’m a lady, you see!) and while I haven’t stumbled across anyone I’m willing to derail my expedition for, i’ve been pleasantly surprised at the lack of crazy that i’ve come across on my dating journey.
Last time we spoke, I had just gone on a date with The Snowboarder and have since enjoyed another perfectly lovely evening with the man himself. However, the jury is still out and a lady should never put all her eggs in one man’s basket so I’ve been chatting to a few other potentials also (I’ll keep you posted on any developments!). Turns out, with Tinder, it tends to be a feast or a famine so, at this stage, i’m feckin exhausted!
Ever since I’ve started writing this blog, people have been spilling all their dating secrets so I figured it was only fair to pass on some of these words of wisdom. So, if you’re about to start your Tinder journey, take heed of the following pointers.
- Don’t do the exact same pose as everyone else.
You know the one. Shoulders back, chest forward, bit of a pout. I’m told that guys are getting a bit sick of the overly posed selfie so try something a bit more original to attract a better standard of guy.
- Don’t plaster on the make-up and tan
Obviously, every guy has a different preference on this and if the full shield is your everyday look, then knock yourself out. However, i’ve been really surprised by the amount of guys who have mentioned they like a girl who looks a bit more natural so don’t think you need to look like a Kardashian to get them to flick you in the right direction.
3) Don’t be afraid to make the first move
Waiting for a guy to approach you is so last century. If you like the look of a guy, take a chance and send him a message. Maybe he thinks you’re out of his league and needs a bit of encouragement. Similarly, if you’ve had enough chat and want to meet face-to-face, lay your cards on the table.
- Don’t be afraid to ignore people
If things are a bit slow, do not be tempted to reply to that guy who send you a slightly weird message who you’d probably cross the road to avoid in real life. Apps like Tinder can be addictive but that doesn’t mean you should lower your standards. Not even for a great, cringe-inducing story to tell the girls.
- Don’t be a bitch
While this may seem to contradict that last point, it’s important to remember that all guys are not born with a rock solid ego and easy charm. They might have a slightly average opening line, make a stupid joke or ask the same questions as the guy before them but if your instincts say they might be a good one, cut them a bit of slack.
Now, while i’ve been pretty fortunate so far, one of our readers has not been so lucky. Mary dropped us a mail recently to fill us in on her experiences and it was so hilarious that we had to share it with you. Take it away, Mary!
”I’ve come across married men, men looking for a bit of fun, men with girlfriends looking for a bit of discreet fun, men I work with, men with girlfriends who I work with, single men I work with, men with sex fetishes, men looking for the ride and men who don’t even know what Tinder is! Of course, there is any amount of weirdos out there so having whittled them down to what I imagined to be the fairly normal, I managed to get myself a few dates. How did they go you wonder? Well, here’s how…
Date #1
Tom, 31, IT, Wexford
Coffee and drinks on date #2
Kept agreeing with everything I said with a double hum – mmm mmm. Nice guy but had to say sayonara when on the second date I asked ‘Do you always reply to questions with mmm mmm?’ and the response I got was ‘mmm mmm’!
Date #2
Joe, 33, mature student, Longford
Coffee
So I texted him ‘we’ve got nothing in common. There’s probably no point in meeting up’ to which he replied, ‘ah, give me a chance. At least meet me for coffee’. A glutton for punishment, I duly obliged. Turns out that Joe still lives with his mammy and hasn’t left the country since 1996 when he went to a football match in England. He doesn’t even have a PASSPORT!
Date #3
Séan, 29, barrister
Drink and cinema
BORING! Great film though!
Date #4
Dave, 30, Banker
Coffee, followed by a pint.
Nice guy, good chats but just no spark. Onwards and upwards!
Date #5 – solid evidence that I am just too nice!
John, 33, absolute chancer
Coffee
I get a text “I’m just in town. Might treat myself to a sunbed”. That’s it. That’s the deal breaker. I’m sorry, but I’m not looking for a guy that’s more into himself than I am! Once again, I use the “we’ve got nothing in common” line and once again I get “ah, go on. Give me a chance, at least let me buy you a coffee”. Ok, ok. Out comes the nice, understanding me again so I set up a date for a half an hour later – no effort, don’t care, look like crap, whatever!
Here’s what I know before I meet him:
John, used to drive a van, wants to set up a new shop selling hair extensions and costume jewellery. I know other various information about where he’s from and where he lives etc.
I walk into Starbucks and here’s this slightly red-faced (sunbed) guy wearing a full Arsenal tracksuit and the whitest runners I have ever seen. I say hi (awkward half hug) and immediately tell him that I need to use the loo. I run to the nearest cubicle and burst out laughing. I am tempted to call a friend to laugh at my situation but I decide to go back and see what this guy is all about.
Out of the bathroom I come and sit down to my latte. He starts talking non-stop. Within minutes there is mention of ADD and how he won’t take medication because ‘you’d be addicted to enough things!’ (What else is he addicted to?). Turns out he’s going to sell hair extensions and costume jewellery to members of the Travelling Community. His cousin has a shop and and a VAT number that he can use so he won’t get done for tax.
I continue to sit and listen. Not one question is directed my way as he continues to ramble on. I start chugging my latte. He’s barely sipped his because of the incessant talking. He’s living on rent allowance and claiming the dole. At this stage, I’m working out that he is making almost €2,000 a week and not even paying rent.
“I may as well be honest with ya,” he mumbles. “I’m married. Separated before Christmas”.
“Right,” says I”. Where do I look?
“And I’ve three children”.
“Oh. ok.”
“See, the Mrs. left me. She had an affair so she did. And she’s with the fella now. Has the children too. And after everything I did for her. I stuck by her through thick and thin even when she was eight months in prison”.
I choke on my coffee and start laughing. I’m waiting for Mike Murphy to come out with the candid cameras and tell me this is all a joke. This date could not get any worse. This date could not get any better. I am being highly entertained by a con man who comes from a walk of life that I have never known. Wait till I tell my Granny about this! After a mention of paying €500 for a lie detector test to prove his fidelity after the wife came out of prison and how he’s joined the AA, I make my excuses and a swift exit!
Date #6
Michael, 30, works in social media
Pint and live band
Ticks all the right boxes. Makes me laugh, loads in common and isn’t a weirdo! Watch this space!”
If you have any tales of love or losers to share, email us at hello@her.ie or Tweet us @Herdotie with #shiftyfirstdates.
