It’s Christmas. Hooray.
You know what that means.
Lots of spending time with your family, eating too much food, drinking far too much alcohol, and pretending to be really into Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Most people like lazing around and not having to do a whole lot during the holiday season.
They catch up on all of their shows, rarely leave the house, and say things like, “ah, aren’t you glad you’re not out in that?”
Other people, however, aren’t too fond of not doing a whole lot and they spend a lot of their time on dating apps like Tinder trying to quell the eternal post-Christmas time boredom.
But Tinder at Christmas isn’t like normal Tinder. No, not at all.
Tinder at Christmas is awful.
1. Everybody’s home for the holidays
You might think that in the realm of online dating, this would be a good thing.
It, however, is not.
Your pool is full of people who are only home for a few days to say a quick hello to the family, get drunk with their mates, and maybe take somebody home from Coppers.
There’s no stability here, no respect, no judgment.
There’s all of a sudden too many people to choose from, and you don’t want any of them.
2. It’s hook-up central
If you thought #HomeToRide was a joke, think again.
Hook-ups are grand. In fact, they are very much expected on dating apps like Tinder.
However, over Christmas you’d have a hard time matching with anybody who isn’t just in it for a quick ride before they hop back on the plane to Berlin.
And good for them! They get all the fun of sex without ever really having to consider the situation again because they’ll be abroad before the week is out.
3. “Hello” is a foreign concept
These days, people don’t introduce themselves by saying “Hello.”
Instead, they say “Only here for 48 hours, hit me up.”
The world is changing, and we are powerless to stop it.
4. “What are you looking for on this?”
5. Lads keep asking what you “got from Santy?”
This one shouldn’t really be a complaint seeing as it’s an actual real attempt at a conversation, but still.
Your default response for this question has become a solid “lot’s of alcohol, wbu?”
However, the real answer would be closer to “some new glasses because I can’t afford them myself and also a lot of new underwear as I’ve been wearing the same pairs since 2009.”
Somehow, you don’t think the above would make you sound too enticing.
6. Killian from Bray can’t believe how expensive Dublin’s gotten
He’s been away working the fields and finding himself in Australia since February, you see.
7. Meeting up with any of these people would require pretending to be interested in their year away in Bali
You’re sorry but you just don’t have the energy.
8. Everyone converses at 3am
Christmas time is a time for going out.
It’s even more so a time for going out when you haven’t been home in a while.
Hence, it would make sense that the vast majority of people using Tinder at the moment are going out a lot.
They spend their late nights and early mornings slumped over in taxis or desperately trying to ignore everybody on the nitelink while also swiping vigorously.
It is then that you will receive the elusive and anticipated “hey ;).”
It arrives to your phone at 3.32am.
You don’t reply.
9. You literally can’t win.
If you ignore these messages, you’re giving off relationship-y vibes.
Everyone will think that you’re not interested in them because they won’t be here in a few weeks.
If you reply, some poor unsuspecting lad will think he’s going to get lucky before the year is out.
He isn’t, you tell him. You’ve eaten too much and you’re bored – that’s it.
Maybe Bumble would be a better call.