I can’t feel my ass when I’m with you – me to my bike, 2019.
If you cycle to work than you know the sitch. Yes, you beat all the traffic and feel like you’ve Aer Lingus priority boarding as you whizz past all the cars in the inside lane but, the sweet victory of being home in 25 minutes is also met with a lot of cons that you’d easily forget when you’re not peddling for your life.
I only started cycling to work earlier this year and so, although I’m new to the game, the last 12 weeks have taught me a lot about my temperament, my physical strength (or lack thereof) and my inability to multi-task, whatsoever.
So, for those fellow cyclists who want to know they’re not alone (or simply, way fitter and more skilled than me) as well as those who’ve no idea what I’m on about, let me tell you about the joy of owning a bike.
If it’s pissing rain, it’s very upsetting
In Ireland, it rains a lot. So, when you’re cycling to work it’s kind of like leaving the roof of your convertible down and driving really slowly.
If you don’t have showers in work, it’s quite a laugh
Having to towel dry yourself in the toilet while changing your clothes, applying makeup and replacing your wet socks ahead of an eight-hour shift should put you in the running for some sort of peace prize… that’s if you can actually remain calm and nicely go about your day.
Having to juggle your food shop is a skill one would see in the circus
Juggling a shopping bag off each handlebar and then one strapped with a bungee cord at the back not only takes time to assemble but feels similar to giving your father a jockey back around the garden.
Plus, if you spend your time food shopping and not purchasing certain items simply because of their weight, I stan.
I can’t remember the last time I bought milk simply because of the horror of having to lug it home.
Your ass and thighs BURN
It could be because I’m unfit but cycling to work is hard work on the body. Your ass feels sore thanks to the narrow seat and your thighs feel like jelly thanks to the vigours need to peddle making you sweat profusely, your head feel glued to the helmet, your eyes water and the whole ordeal feel like a step away from death.
People basically lock their bike on top of yours
There are FOUR free bicycle racks… why is your bike practically mounted on top of mine???? Do you enjoy it taking me 15 minutes longer to unlock my bike because I have to strategically hold yours up while taking mine out?
If so, thank you, you succeeded.
Worrying about your bike getting robbed is real
Although complaining is part and parcel of being a cyclist, your bike getting robbed not only takes a valuable away from you but, your mode of transport too making it a double kick to the teeth.
Drivers are gas
Now, I’ll be honest, I haven’t encountered many issues with motorists over the past 12 weeks and unlike the general word that drivers and cyclists are at war, I’ve found them quite pleasant… bar the ones who pull into the cycle lane straight in front of me, that’s just gas.
Wearing jeans while cycling a bike hurts
Note to self: don’t attempt to cycle to work in your work clothing unless they are soft and stretchy. Hard jeans hurt your crotch while riding a bike and the dismount will make you tear up.
Overall, cycling to work is actually quite the delight and although I sound like Satan, getting in that necessary exercise and NOT having to take PUBLIC TRANSPORT is just a sweet, sweet dream I will continue living.