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20th Oct 2021

Here’s everything you can *actually* do in a nightclub this Friday

Ah, lads, how did we not see it coming?

With the news of the newly updated restrictions, we’re all left way more confused than we were before.

One thing is for sure, we can finally step foot in a nightclub again, so we’ll see you on Friday in the line for Coppers no doubt, just make sure you have your Covid cert ready.

But before we head back through those stunning doors, there are a few things we should know before heading in, mainly what we can actually get up to in there.

Taoiseach Micheal Martin said on Tuesday that “what traditionally happens at a nightclub will be able to happen at the nightclub.”

While we started clicking our heels and cheering, he followed it up by giving a few specific things we can’t do, at all.

Referring to them as “anomalies”, he more or less gave a “dos and don’ts” list for our first night out-out, and we’ll just say it, they don’t add up at all.

So what can we do? Dancing in the middle of the dancefloor is absolutely allowed and the government are even letting us take our masks off while we do that.

But God forbid you want to go up to the bar and get a drink without one, that’s a big no-no, you’ll need a mask to do that.

And of course, they’re letting us eat and drink with our masks off, but if you’re eating in the middle of DTwo, you should absolutely be kicked out, just wait for the McDonald’s after like the rest of us.

From what we gather, if normal nightclub behaviour is on the cards, it can only mean the shift and drift is officially back. While we’re not condoning spreading germs with a stranger during a pandemic, the government are yet to say we can’t.

We would say stick to shifting someone you know but you know yourself, the fear the next morning isn’t worth it.

But the most important question needs to be answered, will we be allowed to do Rock The Boat?

We honestly don’t see why we can’t, we’re allowed to dance on the dancefloor without social distancing, so we can only assume Rock The Boat is on the cards. And if weddings are also allowed go ahead, they can’t expect us not to do it.

But if it’s everything that normally goes on in a nightclub, we’re at least guaranteed the Cha Cha Slide, nature is healing.

The Taoiseach hasn’t given any information on smoking areas, and even if you don’t smoke, you know that’s where all the craic is.

Assuming we’re allowed out there, surely it’ll be dead anyway because nobody can afford to be paying €15 for a box.

All jokes aside, the only reason any of us are going to a nightclub when they reopen is to hear Rain On Me play, don’t lie to yourself.

Someone on Twitter did make a very good point about all this though, saying: “Does anyone know when was the last time Micheál Martin was in a nightclub are we confident he knows what happens there bc we could be on very different pages.”

So we’ll leave you with that.