Oh Alice!
The Brady Bunch Movie is a serious piece of cinematography and was very harshly snubbed at the Oscars in 1995. What even won best picture? According to the internet, it was Forrest Gump. Sorry, never heard of it mate.
While I have a deep admiration and respect for TBBM, I also can’t help but feel that it completely misled us all about what family life is actually like. As I watched the film, I’d look around at my family and couldn’t help but feel particularly short-changed. They all considered me very annoying, which in fairness, I absolutely was. But where was the undying love and tolerance? Where is it now?
Here’s 8 ways The Brady Bunch Movie lied to us all about family life.
1. Your family can comfortably remain two decades behind everyone else if you’re determined enough
Throughout the film, there were very blatant clues that the world surrounding the Bradys was in the 90s, even though they chose to remain in the 70s. They refused to acknowledge this fact and carried on about their 70s business with gay abandon. In reality, if your family chose to continue the 90s lifestyle today, you would very swiftly be questioned by the Gardaí as to why you leave all your doors unlocked, why you’re still listening to Smash Mouth and, most importantly, why you don’t have iPhones.
2. Eight people can somewhat harmoniously share a bathroom
There appeared to be but one bathroom in the Brady household, which they somehow managed to share without stirring World War 3’s commencement. Despite some gentle hurrying of Marsha’s 5000 hair brush strokes, no screaming was heard nor doors were kicked down. In reality, sharing a bathroom with just one sibling can result in permanent scars, smashed perfume bottles and toothbrushes dipped in the toilet bowl.
3. Your neighbours will always be hungover and fancy your Dad
Mrs. Dittmeyer was eternally on the couch longing for the sweet release of death after blatantly drinking the head of herself the night before. Cindy’s little trip next door to drop off the post resulted in a (possibly still drunk) Mrs. D informing her that she essentially wanted to ride her Dad sideways. In reality, the neighbours find your Dad quite annoying because he insists on cutting the grass at 9am every Saturday morning, sake.
4. As instructed by your parents, you actually sleep when you have a sleepover
Marsha was completely oblivious to the fact that her best friend Noreen was deeply in love with her, which made for very entertaining viewing. Lust aside, when all Noreen’s dreams came true and she was allowed sleep over at the Brady’s, they just went to bed and fell asleep. What happened to the prank calls, eating sweets, sneaking outside, professing your undying love for your best friend? What an absolute ruse.
5. Mam doesn’t panic when an accident results in your nose looking like an empty Frube
Marsha’s nose instantly changed shape and species after colliding with a football, yet Mrs. Brady assured her that it would be fine. As if this would happen in regular family life. Nothing short of an ambulance would be called, the GP would be consulted, the neighbours would be called in for a quick look and seven decades of the rosary would be said. There would be panic, tears and hysteria, culminating in a rush to A&E.
6. Your family will accept your boyfriend even if he has curtains
Doug had the face of a model but the hairstyle of a predator, yet the Bradys allowed him to enter and subsequently leave the house with their daughter without question, even describing him as “a fine boy”. In reality, any male that calls to the house receives a formal interrogation about their life, parents’ occupations and intentions with your precious self. The most prominant line of questioning would be ‘WTF IS ON YOUR HEAD LOOOL?’
7. No matter how tense things become with your sister, it will never resort to physical violence
Jan and Marsha’s rivalry was extremely heated, but somehow never resorted to them baiting the shite out of each other. Apparently you can have your differences but still be cordial? Unlikely. I have scars across my body resulting from minor scuffles. There is an permanent indentation matching my older sister’s teeth on the back of my left arm, while she still has to walk with the aid of a metal plate in her leg because of me. JOKE.
8. Lisps are transferable
Everyone’s favourite tattletale, Cindy is plagued with the most severe case of a lisp the world has ever seen. The neighbours and most that come into contact with her have little tolerance for the affliction, so it comes as a tremendous relief when she finally sheds her lisp at the end of the movie (‘s sequel). However, she then passes on the lisp to poor unfortunate Jan. This is physically impossible and we have been misled yet again.
Images via Paramount Pictures
