My parents very nearly named me Culture.
Culture Night is back again and I am beside myself with excitement and anticipation of what lies ahead. Oh the culture we shall absorb, oh the places we shall see, oh the tales we shall tell, oh class the buses are still on strike.
I’ve put together a handy guide of 10 things you should definitely do on Culture Night, for the culture. Simply screenshot this list and methodically work your way through it. You need to do it all tonight because tomorrow will simply be too late. Let us know how you get on!
1. Drink an entire bottle of wine on your own while watching Clueless and being in awe of Paul Rudd’s inability to age (culturally).
2. Shout at a Deliveroo cyclist for taking up too much of the road (culturally).
3. Start an argument with a loved one for no reason other than (cultural) boredom.
4. Clean your kitchen (culturally) and reward yourself with an entire packet of (cultural) chocolate chip cookies.
5. Ring an old friend and bitch about your mutual friend’s recent engagement after only knowing her fiancée for six (cultural) months.
6. Cook a (cultural) dinner consisting of items that have been in the cupboard for an indeterminate amount of time, risking allergic reaction and diarrhoea.
7. Re-enact the steamy car scene in Titanic as you shower to wash away the smell of the (cultural) working week and promise yourself that you’ll get a better job in the new year so you can escape that bitch Susan.
8. Listen to All Saints’ entire (cultural) back catalogue while researching online where they are now and also why Liam Gallagher was so bloody stupid to cheat on Nicole.
9. Test the dog’s commitment to you by (culturally) fake collapsing right in front of him. If he ignores you, Google ‘FIND A HOME FOR YOUR DISLOYAL DOG’ right in front of him to assert your dominance.
