Today, the Dáil gets their summer holidays.
As of 8.48pm this evening, the top buttons are being undone, the high heels will be kicked off and the ties are going straight around their heads.
These lucky folk are off for three months and it’s likely that they won’t know what to do with all this free time bestowed upon them. Relax, I’ve got your back.
I’ve put together an itinerary that the TDs and senators can follow until they’re back on the job. These suggestions will ensure that our government are fighting fit when they get back to work in September.
Monday
- Phone Ignoring – Have friends urgently call your phone multiple times a day and simply ignore them. Put your phone on airplane mode for a while as well.
- Piss Money Away – Literally flush money down the toilet, maybe even relieve yourself as it’s flushing. Make sure it’s a stranger’s money though, preferably their hard-earned taxes.
- Smug Face – Look at yourself in the mirror and practice your best smug face. This will come in handy if you are ever asked to make a television appearance.
Tuesday
- Ceann Comhairle – In preparation for any future Dáil sessions, you’re going to need to have perfected your pronunciation of ‘Ceann Comhairle’. Use a whiney voice if possible.
- Darts – Print some photographs of members of opposing parties and stick them to your dart board. It will relieve stress and make for a decent series of Snapchats.
- Cabinet Making – Head to Ikea and get all the supplies you need to make a cabinet – essentially just a pen and paper. Draft a list of who you would ideally include in your government cabinet.
Wednesday
- Fantasise About Becoming Taoiseach – This mostly involves going to GAA matches with Michael D. Higgins and looking concerned on the telly.
- Spellings – Take some time to remind yourself that there’s an ‘N’ in Government. It’s easily forgotten.
- Tours – Use as many government vehicles as necessary to travel around and get a good sense of the people of Ireland. “There’s only one capital”, you’ll say as you drive through Borris-in-Ossory.
Thursday
- Envelope Acceptance – Get a few friends to subtly slip you some envelopes (preferably brown) when you meet them out and about. Ideally, you want to reach a level where no paper cuts are sustained.
- Land Pricing – Conduct some innocent research into the price of land, particularly around Dublin. Perhaps there’s room for a new bowling alley in Malahide named after your fine self?
- Surname Acquisition – As we all know, the more surnames you have, the more respected you’ll be. See if your spouse will allow you to take theirs, or perhaps use your mother’s maiden name.
Friday
- Friendly Favours – Sort out a few of the gang with mortgage approvals, penalty points dismissals or even reduce their tax.
- Denial Practice – As the world is reduced to shite, mentally prepare speeches which both start and end with “Folks, it could be a lot worse”.
- Prevent Laws – Track down Jude Law and prevent him from doing things for no reason whatsoever.
Saturday
- Cover Ups – During the summer months, it’s likely that the sun could shine once or twice. Practice covering up scandals by wearing sunglasses and headphones to block out the haters.
- Bribery – Family members will often refuse to do simple tasks such as cleaning, hoovering and unloading the dishwasher. Simply slip them wads of cash to achieve your own personal gains.
- Corruption – A friendly game of Monopoly may arise, this is a prime opportunity that you must use to practice your skills in deception and illegitimacy.
Sunday
- Do absolutely nothing. Essentially, treat this day as a regular day in government AY-OOO! If you get a chance, prevent women from having control over what happens to their own bodies.
