It’s a rainy afternoon in Dublin City Centre.
I’ve found shelter in a café near the back of Brown Thomas. It’s fancy, the sound of coffee being ground echoes around the room. I’ve had three flat whites to calm my nerves, as a result, I’m fierce jittery and now suffering from an incessantly bouncing knee.
I’m waiting to meet someone very special. He contacted me directly this morning because he wanted to set a few things straight. I’m intrigued. As I glance at the door, I lock eyes with a tall and authoritative figure.
He’s here. Noah is here.
Me: Noah, pleasure to meet you pal, how are things?
Noah: Pleasure is all mine, Ciara. Huge fan, loved those Making A Murderer chat up lines.
Me: Avery high bit of praise from you, Noah. Right, you wanted to meet me. What’s going on?
Noah: Well, you probably heard what Danny Healy-Rae was on about this morning, saying that my ark proves that climate change doesn’t exist. There was a lot of news outlets mocking him, suggesting he’s a lunatic and wouldn’t know his arse from his elbow. So, I want to speak out, since my name was mentioned.
Me: Absolutely, go for it…
Noah: Danny is spot on. My ark is all the proof any of us should ever need that climate change is a myth. What a disgracefully ludicrous thing to believe. Climates can’t just change, they’re not chameleons. How did the Titanic sink? Iceberg. Surely if the climate is changing, there wouldn’t have been an iceberg floating around causing havoc? Jack would still be here with us today, God be good to him. What about 99s? Surely if the climate was changing, they’d melt instantly when we purchase them. Or fridges? What the heck are they about?
Me: I’m not sure that’s an ironclad theory you’re getting at, there’s a lot of variables involved?
Noah: Shut the fuck up, Ciara. With all due respect, you wouldn’t get it. As my good friend Danny Healy-Rae said, only God can control the weather. If he wants it to rain, it’ll lash. It’s raining right now, isn’t it? That’s because God looked at his hydrangeas this morning and decided they needed watering. Where was his watering can? Gone walkabout, or else that bint next door pinched it again. So he willed it to rain and now here we are. Sopping wet.
Me: That’s flawless logic. But there’s a lot of scientific evidence to suggest that climate change and global warming are a very real threat to our future?
Noah: Scientific evidence is a load of me hole. I have two of every animal and I’ll eat every single one of them if needs be. My ark wasn’t built on fairy tales Ciara, it definitely existed. Where’s your evidence of climate change? Did some person write a big hefty book about it, full of ridiculous stories saying climate change resurrecting from the dead, that it was conceived immaculately? I don’t think so.
Me: Noah, you’re a man of conviction if nothing else. For those that might suggest that Danny Healy-Rae has forced you to say these things, what would you say?
Noah: I, Noah (with an ark) am a very real person, with my own views. They wouldn’t let anyone irresponsible or foolish steer an ark to safety in times of distress. Arks have played an important part in the history of the world. Noah’s Ark, Joan of Arc, Arc de Triomphe; we are all deeply important. Danny and I are good friends, he is a wonderful man and an asset to Irish politics. I say that of my own free will, without any agenda. Now I’ve said my piece and I need to get back to my ark. I only put €2 in the parking meter and I’ll be shagged if they clamp me again.
Me: Absolutely. Listen Noah, it was a pleasure talking to you. Thanks for coming to meet me.
Noah: Ciara, thank you for giving me the opportunity to set the record straight.
[At this point, we stood up and I reached out to shake Noah’s hand. As he turned, his mask began to peel away from his face. I ripped it off. It was Danny Healy-Rae all along. I confronted him, but he ran away yelling “HARAMBE IS STILL ALIVE”. I am shocked, angry and embarrassed that I was conned by this man].
Lead image via YouTube
