LEAKED transcript of Enda Kenny’s meeting with Pope Francis

Earlier today, Enda Kenny met with Pope Francis. They discussed many things, which ultimately ended in Pope Frano announcing that he's coming to Ireland not this August now but the following one. An insider bugged the room in the Vatican where the two heavyweights of the Catholic world met, and has sent us the transcript. As with any suspicious content like this, we are choosing to believe it as 100% real and factual.

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Enda: Pope Francis, can I call you Frano? How're things pal? Excuse me, where are my manners... *at this point, a shuffling can be heard and the Taoiseach is believed to have curtseyed* Pope: I am Pope Francis and I am well. How are you, Emma? Enda: It's Enda, your majesty. Jesus I had an absolute shitshow of a flight over. €3 for a brew and nearly had to bite the hand off them for an extra little pot of milk. About three drops in the thing, you wouldn't want to be dying of thirst. Pope: Alas, we are fortunate to have such complaints in a world where many are not afforded such luxuries. Enda: Haha, I know yeah, fucking Ryanair though. Tried to sell us scratch cards then, as if the chance of spinning the big wheel on Winning Streak would distract us from the fact that we'd all need a few rounds of physio when we landed due to the 1mm of legroom we'd been allocated. Joke shop. Pope: Shall we discuss the proposed areas of importance? Enda: Actually, Fran, I was wondering if you'd be able to help me out with something before we get into that? Pope: I am here to discuss Papal matters only. Enda: That's perfect! It's actually related to that. So I was on the internet yesterday, Fionnuala was out with the kids, so I had the place to myself. I fancied getting stuck into a film and I remembered Micheál in work recommended a good website, but for the life of me, the name was gone out of my head. Honest to Christ, head like a shiv (as in it's razor sharp, haha). I knew that 'Tube' was in the name, he'd showed me the logo and it was like a big red arrow. Pope: My child, I must remind you that my time is limited and we are here to discuss Papal matters only. Enda: Yeah two seconds. So I went to Bing, it's a very good search engine and Bing-o! It suggested Red Tube, I knew it sounded familiar. Some of the film suggestions were a bit sketchy, but I finally settled on Free Willy. I was prompted to pay, so I used the very reliable PayPal system, which I believe you're involved in? However, the film was only 9 minutes long and not what I expected. I'd very much like a refund. Pope: I believe you have mistaken Papal for some other entity. Enda: I want my $7.99 back, it's about €7.50 in our money and I won't leave here without it. Pope: Life is but a journey, during which we make mistakes that better prepare us for what is down the line. Enda: Fran are you threatening me? I just want to be refunded and also absolved for my sins of accidentally watching smut on the internet. Pope: Our celebration has ended, you must go in peace to love and to serve the Lord. Enda: No, this isn't good enough. I know my statutory rights. Pope: My informants tell me I shall travel to your country of Ireland in the summer of 2018. Enda: Ok so can you fix me up then? It's not even about the money, I'm more annoyed at Micheál for yet again letting me down. He's such a dose. Pope: God Bless. Enda: Sound, good man. Actually just very quickly while I have you, any chance I could have a quick spin in the Popemobile?