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1st January 2017
11:00am GMT
2.strippers who dress up as police and don't say "FREEZE! L.A.P.D...a.n.c.e" don't deserve their jobs
— kelly (@donlothario) January 1, 2016
most specific fancy dress shop ever pic.twitter.com/B1OEZ8H6zo — David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) January 7, 20163.
4.Please be the guy on the right x pic.twitter.com/jnRkvqIyZ5
— Sarah (@chicknugget13) January 11, 2016
Wait a minute, Kanye WAS saying she's a Gold Digger! — kirsten (@kirstenin) January 19, 20165.
6.New favourite game = finding Americans on Facebook that have no idea they are Corrie characters pic.twitter.com/Z1DWkXudoq
— Martyn ? (@martynhett) January 25, 2016
The Revenant pic.twitter.com/2RRCpAA2yj — Daniel (@dilsexia) January 26, 20167.
8.This must look like the plot to a fantasy adventure movie to non-Irish people pic.twitter.com/BmlQo8ei7U
— Dee (@deevseverything) February 2, 2016
Being alone on pancake day is far worse than being alone on Valentine's day because nothing is sadder than flipping a pancake in silence. — Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 9, 20169.
10."We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan — Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2016
Needless to say, I don't think it's good news. pic.twitter.com/LuGppvSycJ — Andy Lang (@HRH_Duke_of_Url) February 22, 201611.
12.#WorldBookDay Forgot they had to be in costume, so they're going to school as pages 89 & 165 of the Argos catalogue pic.twitter.com/5JHnHlRbte
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 3, 2016
Manic Street Preachers tried to warn us, but we didn't listen... pic.twitter.com/rmQmSLP4Fz — Ian Cummins (@TheGreatHumbug) March 3, 201613.
14.why does this read like Stephen Gately somehow mysteriously killed a child with his jacket pic.twitter.com/VEegLWFy3O
— kylie janam (@hummusandpizza) March 5, 2016
Canny see that lasting three month pal pic.twitter.com/enkF00y10K — brandon (@shsawda3529) March 5, 201615.
16.who painted this you made me fuck up my car pic.twitter.com/E1qG0c0eDi
— Taste Luxury (@TasteLuxury) March 9, 2016
17.
18.I imagine very few people successfully steal windchimes
— Craig Deeley (@craiguito) March 16, 2016
When you haven't drank in a few days and you're seriously proud pic.twitter.com/hjFniYAHIZ — Jack (@Jack_O_C) March 20, 201619.
20.She truly is the world's greatest athlete pic.twitter.com/bYpqw8OmD0
— Anna Marquardt ?? (@ajlobster) March 22, 2016
his palms are sweaty knees weak arms are heavy there's pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub — dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 201621.
22.using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens. — Lourdes (@gossipgriII) March 25, 2016
I love 2 Chainz cause I never have to wonder how many chains he has — Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 201623.
24.I want a kiss cam at my funeral
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) April 2, 2016
I assume this was the last of the Famous Five books. pic.twitter.com/WaRpAPKXXL — Will Stevens (@teletextpage152) April 3, 201625.
26.Imagine carrying a child in your womb for 9 months only for it to grow up and take the lower offer on The Chase
— Simmey (@simmey__) April 4, 2016
I'd like to meet the person who ticks the last one. pic.twitter.com/0FUTuJffxW — Dorothy Cotter (@eleventyfour) April 27, 201627.
28.this is my university everyone ???????? pic.twitter.com/5wxdBRfDTB
— Lynsey (@lharradence) April 26, 2016
Happiness, ranked: 3. Graduation 2. Birth of first child 1. Woman you admire tells you, unsolicited, that you nailed your winged eyeliner — Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) April 17, 201629.
30.Tom Hardy always looks like he's charging his phone across the room and he just saw someone almost touch it pic.twitter.com/2lIIGEh1dZ
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) April 21, 2016
Summer got attacked by a duck today & the pictures our neighbor got of it happening make me laugh so hard pic.twitter.com/GEJuGwPy24 — stevie b (@steviegidden) May 2, 201631.
32.sometimes my dad talks to me like i've never been retweeted by good charlotte
— darcie wilder (@333333333433333) May 9, 2016
when u realise your children are not the real priority in your life, but that u owe it all to the sweet green prince pic.twitter.com/0z8zCCqDzz — Emily (@hazpoz) May 10, 201633.
34.I don't know cpr I just like punching dead people in the chest and kissing them.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) May 12, 2016
me: do you ever get sad because some dogs probably need glasses but we'll never know because THEY CANT SAY bank teller: sir this is a bank — Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) May 16, 201635.
36.Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that?? — Niles (@River_Niles) May 16, 2016
we had to observe a minute silence for the guy who fell in the lake & drowned. went for 74 seconds. not complaining just dont call it that — Micheal Caine (@mikealfredcaine) May 17, 201637.
38.If embryos are people, ultrasounds are child pornography
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 17, 2016
nigga this tweet opened my third eye pic.twitter.com/BtFU0ExGg0 — mike (@silenthooper) May 19, 201639.
40.Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 20, 2016
Might need a hyphen in that mate. pic.twitter.com/CXtbtsVRdJ — ?HIPPY CHRISTMAS? (@hippy_jon) May 21, 201641.
42.The way I stroke back the leaves on a strawberry before eating it is fucking perverted.
— Anders Holm (@ders808) May 29, 2016
It doesn't matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100. — bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 9, 201643.
44.Very lifelike, but I wonder how well he'll sell pic.twitter.com/4Ip9xzkVr2
— Louise O'Connor (@oconnola) June 14, 2016
Waiter: *grating cheese* say when Me: Me: Me: Waiter: Sir that was the entire block of cheese Me: *leans in way too close* Go get another — Snow (B)ice (@Pro_Jones_) June 15, 201645.
46.are you even a girl if you don't tell people you're wearing jeans and a nice top ????
— ebony (@ebs_rose) June 19, 2016
You (hasn't seen Ratatouille): gross get this rat outta here Me (smart, has seen Ratatouille): now wait just a minute — rachel (@rougasrougas) June 19, 201647.
48.Your apologies mean little to us Shrek fans, we are strong and resilient pic.twitter.com/OIjAAx4IcZ
— refriend beans (@pharmasean) June 20, 2016
i paid for in-flight wifi so i could tweet this immediately pic.twitter.com/nnwpcyYC8V — David Farrier (@davidfarrier) June 23, 201649.
50.Harry Potter and the pic.twitter.com/8rdW5YL6tf
— Amelia Florence (@ameliafsimmons) June 25, 2016
pic.twitter.com/ezsB4lAroH — jordan, but jolly (@jordoritos) June 25, 201651.
52.[normal life] ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week [packing for vacation] hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
And the award for best "Friends" extra goes to woman who sips coffee then chews it. pic.twitter.com/LQtycvoS9w — Nick Turner (@NicksTurners) July 6, 201653.
54.Nothing quite says "Chinese, xfactor, missionary for 10 minutes then bed" quite like a couple going to a Kodaline gig together
— Christmas Ad (@RummHammm) July 9, 2016
be the change you want to see in the world pic.twitter.com/x5CjWXJgHz — jolly azúcar (@christenrhule) July 11, 201655.
56.Me making new life plans every time I have a hangover pic.twitter.com/qEuAX6noqL
— Ana Kinsella (@anakinsella) July 16, 2016
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong. — SpaceGirl Eggnogito (@iamspacegirl) July 17, 201657.
58.wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i
— becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016
This cigarette packet started singing Fairytale of New York at me? pic.twitter.com/Uza82pT7tY — John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) July 25, 201659.
60.my dad has just taken dad jokes to a whole new level pic.twitter.com/S7pklb4EhX
— festive jess (@enterjeshikari) July 26, 2016
Atlantis Dolphin Bay Instructor: "Gently kiss the dolphin" My nephew: pic.twitter.com/KIbnWicb8e — Hxssxin (@gothamsbatman) July 28, 201661.
62.Still everything to play for, in the Men's Hoovering #Rio2016 pic.twitter.com/L1JwxBk4u8
— Nick James (@jamesy1962) August 7, 2016
*gymnast does a triple-double ultra-spin backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands* ME: [mouthful of Pringles] what a loser — Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 8, 201663.
64.Adele got a billboard just to gloat pic.twitter.com/8lVUhy2rm1
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 10, 2016
When your ex comes to your Olympic meet. #Rio2016 pic.twitter.com/T3igVFsp4Y — Ramon ? (@TheLegendRamon) August 14, 201665.
66.A Guide to Irish Verbs Tá Mé - I am Tá Sé - He is Tá Sí - She is Tá Tu - ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID RUNNIN THRU MY HEAD
— Jolly Old Saint Al (@alan_maguire) August 18, 2016
wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair — Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 201667.
68.pyjamas? havent worn them in years pic.twitter.com/fRvuOTkaXM
— maeve (@pocahonttits) August 19, 2016
Cannot unsee. pic.twitter.com/10qYqknaiQ — Daniel (@DannyDutch) September 6, 201669.
70.Jobs: You Need To Have Your BA *got BA Jobs: you need 5yrs experience *5years later Jobs: You need a MA *Got MA Jobs: we need some1 young
— Ciara Smith ?? (@ciarasmith91) September 6, 2016
Their bravery will not be forgotten pic.twitter.com/mRUNeim9WI — Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 10, 201671.
72.Never forget the Marriott mini-muffins of remembrance. #NeverForget pic.twitter.com/M5RBhK5CaM
— McYulemins (@Danny_McMoomins) September 11, 2016
The boom is back pic.twitter.com/XNPN3iILSo — Mike Mc Loughlin (@zuroph) September 11, 201673.
74.Great to see Google takes cow privacy seriously pic.twitter.com/ACTBpDwno6
— David Shariatmadari (@D_Shariatmadari) September 13, 2016
oh no why did I bring my bird to see sully — Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 13, 201675.
— Charlie (@chvrliewebber) September 27, 201676.
Nobody at the Women's Weekly has noticed that their automatic tweet program "Adobe® Social" has stopped including links to their stories pic.twitter.com/Bf6cLg2f3o — Ti Butler (@tibutler) September 28, 201677.
78.Guy cutting my hair complaining about the last person who cut my hair doesn't realize he was the last person to cut it.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 1, 2016
My cousin went swimming with dolphins the other day and let's just say it could have gone better. ?? pic.twitter.com/i10P8xCBWs — Dan Higginson (@Higgles17) October 1, 201679.
80.for someone who didn't start a fire, Billy Joel sure is defensive about it
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 2, 2016
I am in no position to judge Trump on this. I, too, made poor investment decisions in 1995. pic.twitter.com/9BZcq3f4JG — Jennifer (@WeTheLiving) October 3, 201681.
82.chipotle employee: white or brown rice
frank underwood: (to camera) the rice is irrelevant. but for now i'll play his game. — chuuch (@ch000ch) October 6, 2016
Did you know Sia's last name is Wouldntwannabia? — Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) October 9, 201683.
84.Right it's getting closer tae Halloween and a have no idea how 2 beat last years Chucky.. Ar La pic.twitter.com/GxOde9Un3M
— KBMQU (@KaitlinMqu) October 12, 2016
AMAZING! This guy took a photo of himself every day for two days: pic.twitter.com/GRPcyzWHLo — Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) October 24, 201685.
86.Young Fine Gail pic.twitter.com/uVjeRVRi5T
— john (@Scarlet4UrMa) October 25, 2016
we wrote our own wedding vows pic.twitter.com/Vi5nnpte1f — мхяк (@mxrk) November 4, 201687.
88.fuckinghell they're letting every Tom Dick Ann harry on the chase these days pic.twitter.com/y0wnro0PUs
— Kane (@Iceagecandykane) November 4, 2016
when u sit down and look at your stomach pic.twitter.com/hsWDIbLjbR — al (@pxramore) November 5, 201689.
90.If you're having a bad day just remember @TheNotoriousMMA cropped me out of our photo pic.twitter.com/KIvyUGGM9Y
— Erin Safran (@Erin_Safran) November 12, 2016
OOH BABY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH pic.twitter.com/KtGBBOw6kI — Seasonal Greetin' (@Jim_Trinca) November 13, 201691.
92.My dad looks like he just got a letter pic.twitter.com/m5IDHRzrem
— spencer (@Simbas_Mane) November 24, 2016
*listens to Mr. Brightside once* pic.twitter.com/4gNSitoIoJ — Josh Woosley (@Joshwoos) November 30, 201693.
94.No, he hasn't - I've just looked at a map and it's still there pic.twitter.com/ibFTF1afxW
— Scott (@Flying_Inside) December 3, 2016
I lerved Herve Leger as the Jerker in Bertmern. RIP. Gern too sern. pic.twitter.com/5LF7OdK11k — Ollie Garch (@ojedge) December 4, 201695.
96.get this for ur nanny for christmas it's in forever 21 rn pic.twitter.com/UrTXM6oB5Z
— kelly (@donlothario) December 5, 2016
pull the plug on 2016 pic.twitter.com/WGKAJHozA6 — crispin best (@crispinbest) December 6, 201697.
98."Tender and mild" is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) December 7, 2016
whoops dropped my cereal pic.twitter.com/pQQqzDV9lx — ｈｏｔ ｇａｍｅｒ ｓｅｘ (@HotGamerSex) December 10, 201699.
100.This advent calendar is shit. There's no chocolate and it just makes me cry all the time. pic.twitter.com/iZDYRl20Qt
— Katie Storey (@KEStorey) December 15, 2016
Hollister models always look like they're about to fuck up a pitch on The Apprentice. pic.twitter.com/XhcexH9QPO — Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) December 15, 2016
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