EXCLUSIVE interview with Melania Trump’s speechwriter

I've always wanted to interview someone connected to a political heavyweight.

Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for that day to come. In the meantime, I've somehow managed to snag an interview with Melania Trump's speechwriter, Meredith McIver. It's over the phone, as she lives in the U.S. and I couldn't afford a flight over. Also, it's impossible to meet and interview someone that doesn't exist. Here's how our conversation went.

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Me: Meredith, thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me this morning. Meredith: Ciara girl, no problem, my pleasure. I'm a huge fan of Her.ie, that interview you did with Ronaldo's moth was groundbreaking and a real pivotal point for Irish journalism. Me: Thanks, I know. Tell me, how did you get into writing for Melania Trump? Meredith: Well, as I said in my statement (below), I'm an in-house writer at the Trump Organization. I write loads of things, from shopping lists to passive-aggressive notes for Donald reminding him to flush the toilet after he uses it, I'm always scribbling away. On the side, I like to do a bit of colouring in as well. Unfortunately, with my commitments to this campaign, I'm not getting to do as much colouring as I'd like to, but Donald has assured me that I'll get to do my very own special poster if he wins - I can't wait!

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Me: Class! Obviously I need to address the accusations that you copied parts of the speech from the First Lady, Michelle Obama? Meredith: Ciara, I swear, hand on heart, it's all just a massive coincidence. I hadn't even heard of Michelle Obama until a couple of days ago. I thought she was on Hollyoaks or something. I'm just one person, how can I possibly know every single person in the world? It's impossible, just think about it for a second. There's 7.4 billion people on Earth and I'm supposed to know all of them? What a load of shite. Me: She's quite famous though, she's married to the President of the United States, Barack Obama? Meredith: Sorry, never heard of him either. Me: Oh grand. Well, regardless, there were aspects of Melania's speech, that you wrote, that were pretty much identical to a speech that Michelle has given in the past... Meredith: Ciara, I wrote that speech seventeen years ago. If anything, this Michelle girl is guilty of copying me. Who's to say she didn't sneak into my house, rummage through my belongings and steal my work? It's like primary school all over again, when Emma Lynch was copying my Geography test and I got in trouble for it because our answers were identical. I'm sick of this shit. Me: Ok, calm down Meredith. I just want to get to the bottom of this like everyone else. Meredith: I'm fine, sorry, I just got upset for a minute. I just love my wife Melania so much and I'm buckling under the stress of trying to run for President and running a highly successful international conglomerate as well as employing 22,450 people. Me: What? Meredith, I thought you were a speechwriter? Meredith: Oh, haha, yeah I'm just joking, that's Donald's job. Can we take that bit out? He is a very inspirational and successful man who truly deserves to be the next President of the United States of America and make this country great again. Me: Meredith, if you don't mind me saying, you sound a little bit like Donald Trump? I know the phone lines aren't the best, but you've got a very distinct New York accent, even though you're reportedly from California? Meredith: No. What? I've just watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy and picked it up, probably. Me: That's set in Seattle though? Meredith: Yeah but sometimes they eat bagels for lunch... Me: Oh right, ok. Well, there's a lot of conspiracy theories going around that you're not a real person. In fact, I have my own theory that I'd like to put to you: An anagram of Meredith McIver is 'Hmm Deceit River'. There's a band called Mad Season that released a song similarly called 'River of Deceit' in 1995, that's the same year Donald Trump released his Pizza Hut commercial. Sometimes, they use fake food in television ads. Hence, it's very likely that you are fake. Meredith: Wow, that's obscene. I don't even like pizza, I have a gluten intolerance which I can prove, I even remember the day the doctor told me. He said, "Melanie, you have a gluten intolerance, which means pizza is out of the question". Me: I thought your name was Meredith? Meredith: Oh fuck.   At this point, the phone line went dead. It's likely that Meredith's phone went dead at the time, or that she felt that she had been truly rumbled by my investigative nature. Either way, the interview has exposed Meredith for the phony baloney that she is. 

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Meredith pic via NY Daily News