EXCLUSIVE interview with Enda Kenny’s mojo

I'm nervous. It's a crisp Autumn morning. There's a slight lingering of summer in the air, but you can tell that winter is trying to stick its brazen little head in. The grass is covered in morning dew and there's a few early morning joggers whizzing around. I'm at an undisclosed location in the West of Ireland. The person I'm about to meet hasn't been seen for years. He's quite a controversial figure, people regularly debate his existence. I'm on the fence. I want to believe that he's real, but the doubters have encroached their thoughts onto mine. I guess I'm about to find out. He's here. Enda Kenny's mojo is here.

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Me: Enda's mojo, it's both a pleasure and relief to meet you. Mojo: Please, Ciara, just call me Mojo. Great to see you, I'm a huge fan. That piece you did about the Dream Phone Boys was gripping and a real pinnacle of Irish journalism in 2016. Me: Thanks, I know. Listen, you're finally back. How does it feel? Mojo: It's great. My main aim at the moment is to silence the doubters. As the old saying goes, haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate. Me: Absolutely, yeah. So, what do you want to say to those that doubted your existence? Mojo: Well it's a simple as this: I am real. Do you think someone at Her.ie honestly had the time and ability to completely fabricate this entire interview? Come on. Get real. I'm real, I'm on the internet for Christ's sake, as we all know, everything on the internet is real. Morons. Me: Flawless logic. Let's talk about the Taoiseach, how is he doing? Mojo: Well he's certainly Tee-shocked that I'm back, that's for sure... [At this point, Enda's mojo takes out his phone to write down that quote. He is visibly chuffed with himself and sniggers for roughly three minutes] Mojo: Sorry about that. He's thrilled, we're getting on really well at the moment. Obviously we haven't seen each other in quite a while, so it's nice to catch up. Honestly, he's been trying to contact me for the past few years, but I was busy. I have a family and a crippling Pinball addiction that I was trying to get on top of. I haven't flicked the steel ball in seven weeks and I'm confident that I can make it to eight. Me: Brilliant. So now that you and Enda are reunited, what's next? Mojo: I suppose we need to have a proper sit down and plan where we go from here. He spent a lot of money trying to get me back into the country, I was thousands of miles away. There was a bang of Liam Neeson in Taken off him at times. He was really determined to find me. Millions of the Government's financial resources were spent. The last figure I heard was €250m, but even that's been diluted a bit. Me: Lord above, that's a lot of money. Mojo: Is it really though? The Taoiseach of Ireland has his mojo back, Ciara. His MOJO. There's a lot of things this country needs: Affordable housing, additional social welfare allowances, a fully operational Government, but you can't honestly sit there and tell me that Enda's mojo is less important than any of those things? Me: No you're absolutely right. Sorry for questioning you. So let's talk action. What's going to happen now? Mojo: Well I'll obviously do the media circus for the next few days. The Late Late were onto me, Marian Finucane wants me, I'll have to stick my nose into Newstalk as well, but my main priority is Xposé. They've always been really good to me, I'll have to give them some kind of an exclusive.

TV3

Me: Ok, but in terms of Enda's leadership now that you're back...? Mojo: Haven't a clue girl. I'm fairly useless at all that kind of stuff. I just see myself as a bit of arm candy, to be honest. Me: Fantastic. Listen, Mojo, I'd say that's probably all I need. Thanks a million for taking the time to chat to me today. Mojo: Ciara, you're so welcome. Thanks for having me. Is there a pinball machine anywhere near here? Actually no, I better not. Me: Mind yourself!