All we’re saying is, if this were an official entry, Denmark wouldn’t have stood a chance. 

Eurovision 2013 was a big disappointment for Ireland, with Ryan Dolan finishing last in the competition after a great performance and predictions of a top ten spot at least. 

However, there can be no denying that as a show, Sweden did a better job as hosts than many other countries have in recent years… and we ended up longing to go for a few drinks with the host, Petra Mede.

The Swedish comedian carried the show on her own and from the opening minutes made it clear that this production was going to be all about the fun. The audience were all ‘Dancing Queens’ and Linda Martin was really Johnny Logan, (“I know a drag queen when  I see one…”).

She truly stole the show, though, between the final performance and the voting section of the show, with this epic song about Sweden.

Just us, or did everyone want to move to Sweden with immediate effect?

 

 

The Lyrics:

I come from a country that's hard to find

Somewhere near the icy pole

But though we are freezing please bear in mind

Sweden's going to warm your soul.

 

Our people are cold but our elks are hot

A horny horde in every fjord.

Our moose may be loose but they hit the spot

On our Swedish smorgasbord.

 

A tour of our nation is certain to impress

With quite a few surprises for you

A Swedish chef and Death playing chess

And a Girl With A Dragon Tattoo.

 

By winning this contest you get the chance

To host a show you can't afford

But then sell your country through song and dance

Here's our Swedish smorgasbord.

 

We're green to our planet with eco-crime

Recycling is in our hearts.

Mamma Mia! Ikea has gone worldwide  

Good luck assembling all of the parts.

We're strict and we're structured and seldom vent

Don't show emotion and never whine

Not easy to please but we're quite content

When we get to stand in line.

 

Does anybody know what this line is for?

Then I'd better stay and find out...

 

Proper and polite and private is our style

Never, ever talk on a train

And if we see a stranger throw us a smile

He's either a drunk or insane.

 

Every day we face it, try it out and taste it, try our Swedish smorgasbord.

 

Beneath the midnight sun

The blondes have all the fun

And if you long for stockings say 'Amen'.

From Vikings we descended

It's frightening what those men did

But see how we've evolved since then.

 

Our roles are reversing

See how daddies are nursing

In all of our cities

Though men don't have titties

They can still stay at home to raise the kids

 

And our girls can handle their balls

With the best kick line of them all.

You may now kiss the groom...

 

Follow our example

Come and try a sample

Of our Swedish smorgasbord.

 

It's time for some dinner

 We pray you'll stay

Come and try our favourite course

We eat all our meat

The Nordic way

Seasoned with a hint of horse.

 

For Strindberg and Bergman and Celsius all rise

For Thor and Bjorn Borg and the great Nobel prize

There's Volvo and Garbo, the best ligonberry

And all of our problems digesting our dairy...

 

We gave you Carola and Waterloo

And Digaloo you all adore

We'll take you to heaven, Euphoria too.

 

Come and join our party

Come and have a trip

There's room for everybody

Grab a lachsen dip

On our aquavit, crayfish, yankee-salted liquorice,

Randy Scandi naked race with H&M and Ace of Base

Our hurly burly super duper if that was Abba Super Trouper

Swedish smorgasbord!