When it comes to our relationships, we like to think that we’re just like any other normal Irish couple out there. We like to think that we squabble over the same things and that we have banter like other couples.
We like to believe that the way our partner expresses himself towards us is the exact same as how other men behave around their partners. But is it really?
Here’s a sad, but true fact about relationships in modern Ireland: 1 in 5 Irish women experience domestic abuse on a regular basis.
It’s important to note here that domestic abuse doesn’t just refer to being physically harmed by your husband or boyfriend. In fact, there’s another type of domestic abuse that is on the rise and it can cause just as much damage as a punch or a kick to the face.
Ladies, we’re talking about verbal abuse – a type of abuse that is wrecking the lives of women all across the country.
Verbal abuse is a wide-ranging form of abuse and it usually includes some of the following: being called horrible names by your partner, being constantly belittled and continually being put down.
Margaret Martin is the Director of Irish support group Women’s Aid. Speaking about verbal abuse she says that it is most common in established relationships, where couples have been together for a few years.
“Verbal abuse usually occurs in a relationship where the two parties know each other very well. He will know what are the things that she really values,” says Margaret.
“For example, for a lot of women, the way that they look after their children is really important to them, so he targets that. He will call her a useless mother and say that she needs to be reported to the HSE. He’ll say that she can’t look after the children properly,” Margaret adds.
And while some of us adhere to the notion that words can’t harm, if you’re being constantly told that you’re useless and not good enough, the effects can cause some severe damage on a mental and an emotional scale.
In fact, most women end up developing mental health issues such as depression or they turn to coping mechanisms like self-harm as a means of dealing with the abuse.
“What women talk about is the impact that it [verbal abuse] has on them. They say that they feel as if the scars are on the inside – it’s like death by a thousand cuts,” says Margaret.
“They say if I was punched or kicked, I’d have a bruise or I’d have a broken bone – I’d have something that shows the injury, but this is devastating. They feel that they can’t go into court and show it in a sense.”
Margaret says that for most women, they feel that if they don’t have a physical mark on their body, then they will not be taken seriously if they try to seek out help. The result of this is that women stay in unhealthy relationships where they are told they are worthless, stupid and, in some cases, told they will be hunted down and killed if they attempt to leave.
Last year, Women’s Aid received just over 11,000 phone calls from women. Of that number, 8,399 related to verbal/emotional abuse. The disturbing thing is that as the number of women trapped within verbally abusive relationships continues to rise, most do not realise that they are being verbally abused by their partners.
“It’s easier to look back on it and see it as something that’s been building up over a period,” says Margaret.
“Very often when a woman contacts us, she says: “look, I’m not sure if I’m on to the right service but I think something happened over the weekend,”” she adds.
So what are some of the warning signs of a verbally abusive relationship? According to Margaret, the easiest way to establish if you are in this kind of relationship is to gauge your reaction when people pay you a compliment or say something nice about you.
“If you get used to something, it becomes your norm. It’s a bit like if you had a stone in your shoe and you didn’t take it out – it’d be painful but you’d get used to it,” she says.
“As verbal abuse goes on, you become used to it, so if somebody actually paid you a compliment you’d become so emotional, it would feel completely disproportionate – mainly because nobody has said anything nice to you for years,” Margaret adds.
Verbal abuse can be tricky to spot – at the start you may simply dismiss his jibes as being banter and nothing more, but once you recognise it for what it is, it’s essential that you get help and talk to someone you trust.
For more information about verbal abuse and/or domestic violence, visit www.womensaid.ie. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help, ring the Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline on: 1800 341 900.
