An open letter to kitten heels

It's not me, it's you.

You're vile. There's no beating around the bush. You are literally scum. There comes a time in life where we all need to stand up for what we believe in, and I believe that you need to be put down like a sick dog. My main issue with you, kitten heels, is that you serve no justifiable purpose in life. What are you achieving and specifically who are you benefitting? The main objective of a heel is that it provides a person with some extra height and elongates the legs. Well, kitten heels, you tick neither of those boxes. Chubby little legs continue to be chubby little legs with the addition of yourselves. 5' 6" is still very much 5' 6" with perhaps a quarter of an inch in the difference, which is essentially nothing. If I was precisely .25 of an inch too short for a rollercoaster, I still wouldn't turn to you. Because I have a little thing called TASTE. Mark Zuckerberg wears the exact same outfit every day because he wants to eliminate any unnecessary daily decisions. Similarly, girls should have minimal decisions to make when choosing between heels or flats. There shouldn't be a middle man. You are adding unnecessary confusion to our already hectic lifestyles. COP ON. There is no halfway house between having long pins and short stumps. Leave us alone. Even the name 'kitten heels' is ridiculous. What feline qualities do you possess? Cuddly? No, you are repulsive. Affectionate? Absolutely not. Adorable? Don't make me sick. It is a stupid name for a stupid concept. There is one and only one circumstance during which I can deem you acceptable, kitten heels. I'll set the scene: It's a cold winter evening. A nuclear family relaxes in the living room after a long day of being perfect. Unexpectedly, the electricity goes out. Everything is gone, the lights, television, heating, everything. Gone. Dad suggests they light a fire. He disappears to the shed to look for some firelighters. Disaster, there's none left. He returns indoors, defeated. It's your time to shine. Mam stumbles across an old pair of kitten heels and to her relief, they're vile. Moments later, the family are maniacally smiling as your burning soles provide them with the warmth and light right through until the morning. Congratulations, you have fulfilled your prophecy. Maybe you are useful after all. Warm regards, Every woman ever x