Call it Boxing Day at your peril.
Christmas is over. It’s done.
You ate your weight in turkey, you fought with your elderly family about the housing crisis, and you fell asleep at 8.30pm.
Solid enough day, right?
The only thing left to do now would be to hit up them sweet, sweet St Stephen’s Day sales and get yourself some solid sale-y bits.
While you’re there, you’ll meet a few people.
This is them.
1. Your da
Yeah, your literal da.
He’ll be at the sales, of course he will. He’s had his eye on a swish Jack Jones bomber for about eight months now and he’ll be damned if he lets a bargain get away.
He’s sound enough about it though. He’s not going to push anybody around to get what he wants. He’s a respectful guy. Most of the time.
2. Your man who’s been there since 5am
Because he camped. He fucking camped out. Outside the shop. To ensure he got the best sale item there was.
This lad left his warm, cosy bed at the ripe time of 3.30am, grabbed his camping chair from EP2017, and set up shop outside.
He’s ready – the second he sees those poor workers in there getting their tills ready for the onslaught, he’s up. The chair’s folded, his sweaty hand is pressed against the glass, his Visa’s out.
He’s getting the flatscreen he saw in Harvey Norman during the week and nobody, not even that newborn baby in the pram blocking the toaster aisle, is going to stop him.
3. A gal who’s shown up at midday and is actually surprised that there’s only shit left
What were you expecting, Sandra?
Rolling into town in the afternoon, strolling into Topshop, and finding an abundance of stunning clothes just your size that miraculously don’t have makeup stains on them?!
4. A screaming child
Because of-fucking-course there is.
5. Unhappy retail workers
Look, if you work in retail, Christmas is the worst time of the year, hands down.
Customers are rude, people are pushy, and your boss is expecting you to out-sell absolutely everybody even though you don’t exactly have any control over that and definitely aren’t paid enough to care anyway.
Unhappy workers are everywhere during the sales.
They might seem happy, helpful, and delighted just to be a part of it, but know that they are hating every single moment of fixing the mounds of clothes people have so carelessly created when trying to nab a bargain.
Just be nice to them.
They deserve kindness during this difficult time.