Don’t you just love the first flushes of romance? You smile for no reason, you feel like you’re walking on air and a large group of butterflies seem to have permanently set up residence in your stomach area. In short, it’s pretty damn amazing, huh?
We all know that falling in love is easy – it’s a natural process that doesn’t require any major work. It just sort of creeps up on you and happens. But while the act of landing head-over-heels for the object of your affections is simple, making those loving feelings last is another matter entirely.
Real, honest, long-term love requires work and effort and, in some cases, a good dose of blood, sweat and tears (figuratively speaking, not literally). Unsurprisingly, it’s this part of love process that most people have difficulty with.
So how can you keep your relationship in tip-top condition? How do you keep riding high on a wave of love after two years together? Five years together? Ten years together? You get the idea.
According to Dr John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher and relationship counsellor, you can pretty much predict whether your relationship will succeed or fall apart after a few years. If your relationship has a strong element of trust and loyalty attached to it, then chances are you’ll live happily ever after. If these two qualities are lacking, then you may find yourself running into trouble.
You see, when we fall in love with someone, we’re driven completely by our hormones – in fact, they take over the entire process, making it somewhat simple for us. Once this phase is over, the big question changes from “do I find you attractive?” to “can I actually trust you?”
Now, by all means, we understand that sometimes if trust is lacking in a relationship it is better to walk away. If however, you’re mad about your partner, you trust him a bit but you want to work on deepening that trust then here are a few simple tips from Dr Gottman to help you build strong foundations and, subsequently, make the flames of love grow stronger.
Keeping the spark of love alive is actually quite simple, according to Dr Gottman.
It’s all down to basic maths: Relationships require a few things in order to be considered happy, healthy and functional. Basically love + loyalty + trust = happiness. If you find that you’re lacking all of these things, then you need to reconsider whether or not your relationship is providing you with the happiness and care that you deserve.
Be grateful: Sometimes we have the tendency to take our other halves for granted, which is never good. Therefore, it is important to stop for five minutes every day and just appreciate all the things they do for you.
First thing in the morning or last thing at night, take a few deep breaths and think about five things that he’s done for you – maybe he made you a cup of tea when you were desperate for one? Maybe he went to the bank for you when you didn’t have time? Maybe he had dinner waiting on the table for you when you got home from work?
Take a second to really appreciate the ways he shows you how he cares for you. This will not only boost your own mood, it will encourage you to be kinder, more affectionate towards him and more aware of how awesome he is.
Give honest compliments: If you think he looks great first thing in the morning, tell him and tell him often. The male ego is quite fragile and sometimes we tend to forget that men also enjoy the odd sincere compliment. Make it a point to give him one compliment every day, whether you admire the way he can juggle work and home life, or you think he’s an amazing cook – speak up and be honest.
Keep the lines of communication open: This is where trust comes into focus. Do you trust him enough to not turn his back on you if you have to discuss a difficult issue with him? If you’re mad or upset about something never ever bottle it up. Bottling up emotions just leads to resentment. Fact.
Be completely honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Make sure he is aware of all the things that are going on in your head and how you feel about everything.
Communication is essential, especially if you’re trying to forge a life together.
Reframe your complaints: If you have a complaint about your other half, take a second to think about where he might be coming from. If, for example, he’s a bit of a perfectionist then chances are he just wants you to have the best. Try to see things from his perspective before you start making a big deal about them.
Focus on the small romances: That kiss he gave you while you were grocery shopping, the way he snuggles up next to you on the sofa after a long day, the way he holds your hand in the cinema – notice and appreciate the small signals that let you know he’s still just as mad about you.
Remember, it is possible to keep love burning for years and years, but sometimes that love just changes shape.
How do you keep the romance alive in your relationship?
