Bad sex is a universal experience…
We’ve all had ups and downs (no pun intended) when it comes to intimate moments.
Here are six times that sex didn’t work out the way you had hoped. Don’t beat yourself up about it, these happen to the best of us.
1. First Holiday Away Sex
Our Irish skin isn’t built for much sunshine but as the saying goes, ‘we’ll never learn’.
The majority of us venture out on the first day of our summer holiday with little to no sunscreen on feeling a little invincible. Until we return to our rooms like lobsters and stay in the shade for the remainder of the week.
Sunburn throws off the whole show, as too does smell of after sun lotion. Separate sides of the bed never felt so good.
Sunburn and sex combined is a horrible experience, try it once and you’ll be sure never make the same mistake again.
2. Special Occasion Sex (Otherwise Known As Premeditated Sex)
Ah, it’s your anniversary (Valentine’s day/ birthday) and so you’ve planned a romantic night with your significant other.
You’ve pampered yourself and even bought some new underwear and little extras. You’re feeling your very best but as it turns out organised fun isn’t good for anyone and never goes to plan. Sadly, either does your big night of passion…
If you are disagreeing with this, count yourself lucky.
3. Colleague Sex / Person You Fancied For Ages Sex
This should need little explanation. We’ve all fancied a colleague; we blame it on having to work in such a close environment… yes, that’s it.
After a few months of flirting there is the Facebook friend request, which quickly turned into something more textual and then there was the staff night out that you both had looked forward to and things didn’t exactly go to plan. There was more spark in a used box of matches.
Cue the disappointment. Work will never be the same again and Katy Perry’s track Firework is ruined. Forever.
4. Dirty Talk Sex
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4XjmDqG48A
Ah, we’ve tried (and failed) to channel our inner Wynter Gordon, sadly the majority of us just weren’t cut out to seduce vocally.
There’s something about Irish man attempting dirty speak that just doesn’t sit well with us. Call us harsh, but it is a complete mood spoiler.
5. Sexy Underwear Sex
So you’ve splashed out on some new undies and you’re prepared to sit in the sexy underwear until it’s time to take it off, the only set back is the fact that those few hours will be the most uncomfortable hours of your entire life.
There’s a piece of lace caught in a part of your body that you didn’t even know you had and he can’t manage to take it off.
Bridget Jones has the right idea, keep on the old reliable garments and you’re guaranteed a great bit of action.
6. Outdoor Sex
In theory outdoor sex is delightful. Outdoor sex in actuality is not.
We live in Ireland. It is wet. We have more bogs than beaches. The threat of getting a nettle sting on areas of your body that should never see a nettle is very real, (and very scary).
That is all.
The moral of the story is, don’t put too much expectation on the act otherwise you will not be pleasantly surprised.
