“At the end of the day, I’m looking for love” – EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with a Census form

Sometimes in life, everything just falls into place. I got up early this morning. Had a shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed and had a bowl of non-brand-specific Frosties. Something felt different. I knew that tonight, I would be going to bed with more knowledge about this beautiful country and its inhabitants. There was a confident knock on the door. He's here. The Census form is here.

---

Me: Pleased to meet you, Census form, how are things? CF: Please, call me Cen. Ciara, it's an honour to be interviewed by you. That piece you did on kitten heels was stunning. I think you said what a lot of us were thinking. Me: Cen, stop! You're making me blush. Right, let's get to it. Last night was a big night for you, how did it go? CF: It was a brilliant night. Every home in the country filled me in with black or blue pen, using block capital letters. I felt so important! The entire households gathered together in unity to make fun of me and my invasive and unnecessary questions. It's rare that everyone would get time to sit down together these days with all the hustle and bustle of modern life, but it happened last night and that's entirely down to me. Me: I didn't think of it like that, but you're right. That's actually very cool. Did you think that the questions were fair this year? CF: Fair? I thought they were more than fair, Ciara. The questions are vital. Down at the CSO, we need to know everyone's business. What time do you leave the house in the mornings? How long is it taking you to get to work? Do you feel that the price of Freddos is extortionate and if so, what do you feel would be a more appropriate price? etc. This is all imperative to our country moving forward as a whole. How can we be expected to compete with the likes of China if we don't know what type of sewerage facility every household in the country is using. Honestly. Me: Yeah, definitely! Was there any trouble with yourself or any other forms last night? CF: I heard a few horror stories alright, a form in Blackrock was being filled in on the kitchen table, but when they went to turn the back page, they noticed it had been resting in a white wine reduction sauce leftover from the dinner. As you can imagine, pandemonium ensued! The Mum wiped it with a damp cloth immediately, while the eldest grabbed a hairdryer. Several harrowing minutes later it was dry, but some of the answers were, unfortunately, illegible. Me: Jesus, that's scary. You wouldn't wish that on your mortal enemy! Cen, if I can get personal. What do you do between censuses? Have you a family? CF: I don't have a family, not yet anyway. To be honest, I'm looking to settle down. At the end of the day, I'm looking for love. It's hard to balance a relationship with having to work for one evening every five years. How do people do it? Lately, I've been trying out a few dating apps and I've even been working on my chat up lines. Do you want to hear some? Me: Absolutely. CF: Babe, I'm no psychologist, but I can make you come to your Census. Me: Christ. CF: Another one? Me: Go on so... CF: Hey gorgeous, if you don't do me, you'll face a fine of up to €44,000. Me: That's loads actually, thanks. C'mere, Cen, have you any hobbies? CF: Sure! I'm really into music, I LOVE Craig David. Favourite song is obviously Fill Me In. Other than that, I like most things, going for dinner, socialising with friends, heavily monitoring the population of Ireland and going for long walks. I've recently gotten into Sudokus, they're brilliant. So challenging. Me: I both see and deeply respect what you did there. CF: Lol. Me: Final question, Cen. Is there any question that you haven't included, but would like to? CF: Great question! There is, actually. I'd love to ask people what their favourite yoghurt is. I think it's important that we get a sense (excuse the pun) of what our nation's inhabitants are looking for in their bacterial fermentation of milk. I'd pop that question right in the middle, to give them a break from all the serious stuff and just get to know the taste buds of our beautiful country. Me: Census, it's been an absolute pleasure pal. I hope all the data is correlated properly over the coming months and you might even chat to us again next time round! CF: Absolutely. Ciara, it's been a pleasure! Thanks for coming to your Census.