The presents have been opened and the careful wrapping discarded. Your family are already on the third tin of Roses and the second bottle of Baileys. Now, it’s time for the biggest night out of the festive season (after one more turkey sandwich). This is not a drill.
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On Your Marks
Pre-drinking takes a special turn with all of the luxury and “exotic” liquors in your parents’ cabinet. Crème de Menthe? Triple Sec? Sherry? Experimental cocktails? Merry Christmas indeed.
Get Set
All you’ve done for the past two weeks is eat and drink; yet somehow you’re surprised nothing fits. We’re calling in support in the form of super Spanx. So what if we can’t sit? We’ll perch.
“I Don’t Want A Lot For Christmas…”
This song will be played approximately 23 times across the course of the night, and you will walk out of one venue and into the next while it is still on, leading you to suspect a town-wide playlist of only three songs. Still, you’ll revel in your best Mariah Carey impression every time.
Video via YouTube/MariahCareyVEVO
And The Bells Were Ringing Out
This song will be played less often and later, but no matter when it drops, you’ll wrap everyone in the vicinity into one big swaying circle. So what if it’s the ladies’ bathroom. “It was Christmas Eve, babe…”
Video via YouTube/RhinoUK
Christmas Kiss?
Some idiot will follow you around a nightclub, mistletoe in hand begging for a Christmas kiss “for the craic”.
Give Us A Shift?
You’ll be the idiot following some misfortunate soul around a nightclub, mistletoe in hand, begging for a Christmas kiss, “for the craic”.
The Way We Were
You’ll bump into the person you shared your first kiss with at 13 during a local disco and he’ll look at you, like he does every year, with a glint in his eye that suggests thoughts of what might have been if your dad wasn’t waiting outside the door for you at exactly 5 past 11.
I Have Something In My Eye
There will be happy tears. There will be sad tears. There will be “I don’t know why I’m crying” tears.
I Love You SO Much
You’ll catch up with the person you were best friends with from ages 6 to 8 over a shot of something unpronounceable. Here, you’ll swear to get in touch more often and make an effort, perhaps proclaiming undying love since the time she got you that Polly Pocket for your birthday. You won’t see her again until this time next year.
Joey Doesn’t Share Food
When you arrive home, heels in hand and Santa hat askew, there is really only one thing for it. Turkey sandwiches. Mmmm… leftovers.
